haven't really posted here in a long time, even though there are things that i literally threw a tantrum over.
mainly i think this post will be to clear out my doubts and scold myself more. yay *deadpanned*
i really don't know what i want. it feels like o levels all over again. once o lvls were done, i had no idea where i wanted to go, no idea where i wanted to go in the future. i wasn't the kind of person to plan way waay ahead, like in 10 20 years time i would be doing such and such. nope, no way am i'm that kinda person. i'm more of the kind to anticipate problems and worry alot about them. my teacher, mr L was right. i think about the problem, i aniticipate problems, but i don't bloody do ANYTHING. he said i was afraid to start and facing the problem, so by not even starting, i had the instinct in the back of my head that no probem would happen. well, that's more of an instinct kind of thing, so i'm trying to curb that.
so when my parents bought me (shock) me that riduclously (even i admit it, yes. i am NOT a spoilt brat. i hope. right?) expensive dlsr, i was still in doubt as to whether i should have even bought it. i know i know, you're gonna say 'you ALREADY bought it, so why are you STILL thinking about it??!' but that's me i guess. always worrying about spilt milk. almost to the point of obssesion. ah well.
i really want to try photog, but i'm still not sure that i will go that route. it pressureizes me and makes me wonder if i made the right decision to going to this course, to wanting to go to dalian, for wanting to go to japan. am i doing the right thing? will it all be just a waste of money to send me to this ridiculously expensive course. i'm the dumbest in the family, yet i think my parents' spent the most on my education as compared to yuen's and han's. i'm afraid i can't repay them, that i'll be just a disappointment to my mom, my dad. these days i've been thinking if i've been making the right choices, if i'm a good child, a good person, a person who makes the right decisions. a SANE and RATIONAL person. not a sentimental nitwit who spends money on stuff that seem to be not useful at all.
i tried looking for work, but can't seem to find any at all. its either the ad in the papers don't describe the job in detail or don't give the pay rate. it forces me to call in to ask more, which i HATE doing. i really, REALLY hate that. i swear, its a phone phobia of some sort. i don't really talk to strangers well, because i lose my head once i start talking. -_- i know, it sounds drastic. well, it might be a little exaggerated, but hey, where's the life in trying to play down everything? lalala
i know, i try to avoid problems. so i'll just state them all out, bare and very clearly. to disgust myself. (feel like some sort of masochist. haha. and its only a day after my bday. what a day to celebrate my 19th's 1st day huh)
1. i am a slacker. i look for short cuts. i'm not as hardworking as i would like to be/claim to be.
2. i ony work hard for things i like. i ignore the rest.
3. i am vain. or so my mother makes me feel so.
4. i dream too much. idealist, not realist. not soo good in this world.
5. i almost always turn up late for meetings. i say sorry, but i still do it. guess i'm a hypocrite too huh. say only never do. all talk no action.
6. i can't say seriously say sorry. i just can't. is it a pride problem? hmmm. i can feel it, but i just can't say it out loud.
7. do i make myself sound bad so that i can hear other people say that i'm better? there was a word for this sort of condition, but i can't remember the word. hmm. and i can't find the word online either D:
8. i break promises most of the time. that is why when someone asks me to promise them something, i really get this 'ugh' feeling. then i always feel guilty when i never live up to their expectation.
9. i am obsessed with how i appear to others, how others think of me, how i look. guess it counts as vanity too?
10. i have only used excuses to not turn up when i really don't feel well. does this count?
11. i want alot, but i can't give back alot. again the realist vs the idealist.
12. i seem to be going out alot even when i have more important things to do. and when i have little money.
13. i seem to be saving, but i'm spending alot.
14. i lie. not huge ones, but still, ones that will come back and bite me in my karma. or so my ma says.
15. i can't focus. i put my priorities in all the wrong places. like wanting a bf (which i already know won't happen) and wanting my work to be pro, but not putting enough effort for it
16. i am a quitter. i always seem to work on a project and leave it halfway because i lost interest in it.
17. i keep thinking my work is good, or isn't that bad, but it really sucks. to the max, like my friend K would say.
18. i say i'm not spoiled, but am i really not?
19. i worry alot, but never do anything to ease my worries.
20. i am ugly. i wished i looked prettier. have bigger eyes, have better skin, have hairless legsarmslipspitsstomach everywhere except on the right parts, be taller, have nicer voice. guess this classifies under vain too. ah well.
21. i care a lot about how my family sees me. the fact that none of them remembered my birthday makes me a little sad, but does it mean that i'm forgettable, the extra daughter they don't need since they have a really smart daughter and son already. the dream team. the dragon phoenix set. i'm just the backup. they get me the stuff i want just to keep to me shut up and quiet. unfortunately i seem to be a noisy brat.
22. i keep thinking that people are plotting against me, talking about me behind my back, stabbing me in the back anytime when i'm not around.
i wish i were more sure of myself. i wish i knew what i was doing. i wish i knew what i want to do for my work. i wish my work was good. i wish for alot of things, but none of them will come true unless i work on it. (see! i predict, but never work on them) i wish i were more content with what i have. that i'd stop wishing for things that will never happen.
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