haven't really posted here in a long time, even though there are things that i literally threw a tantrum over.
mainly i think this post will be to clear out my doubts and scold myself more. yay *deadpanned*
i really don't know what i want. it feels like o levels all over again. once o lvls were done, i had no idea where i wanted to go, no idea where i wanted to go in the future. i wasn't the kind of person to plan way waay ahead, like in 10 20 years time i would be doing such and such. nope, no way am i'm that kinda person. i'm more of the kind to anticipate problems and worry alot about them. my teacher, mr L was right. i think about the problem, i aniticipate problems, but i don't bloody do ANYTHING. he said i was afraid to start and facing the problem, so by not even starting, i had the instinct in the back of my head that no probem would happen. well, that's more of an instinct kind of thing, so i'm trying to curb that.
so when my parents bought me (shock) me that riduclously (even i admit it, yes. i am NOT a spoilt brat. i hope. right?) expensive dlsr, i was still in doubt as to whether i should have even bought it. i know i know, you're gonna say 'you ALREADY bought it, so why are you STILL thinking about it??!' but that's me i guess. always worrying about spilt milk. almost to the point of obssesion. ah well.
i really want to try photog, but i'm still not sure that i will go that route. it pressureizes me and makes me wonder if i made the right decision to going to this course, to wanting to go to dalian, for wanting to go to japan. am i doing the right thing? will it all be just a waste of money to send me to this ridiculously expensive course. i'm the dumbest in the family, yet i think my parents' spent the most on my education as compared to yuen's and han's. i'm afraid i can't repay them, that i'll be just a disappointment to my mom, my dad. these days i've been thinking if i've been making the right choices, if i'm a good child, a good person, a person who makes the right decisions. a SANE and RATIONAL person. not a sentimental nitwit who spends money on stuff that seem to be not useful at all.
i tried looking for work, but can't seem to find any at all. its either the ad in the papers don't describe the job in detail or don't give the pay rate. it forces me to call in to ask more, which i HATE doing. i really, REALLY hate that. i swear, its a phone phobia of some sort. i don't really talk to strangers well, because i lose my head once i start talking. -_- i know, it sounds drastic. well, it might be a little exaggerated, but hey, where's the life in trying to play down everything? lalala
i know, i try to avoid problems. so i'll just state them all out, bare and very clearly. to disgust myself. (feel like some sort of masochist. haha. and its only a day after my bday. what a day to celebrate my 19th's 1st day huh)
1. i am a slacker. i look for short cuts. i'm not as hardworking as i would like to be/claim to be.
2. i ony work hard for things i like. i ignore the rest.
3. i am vain. or so my mother makes me feel so.
4. i dream too much. idealist, not realist. not soo good in this world.
5. i almost always turn up late for meetings. i say sorry, but i still do it. guess i'm a hypocrite too huh. say only never do. all talk no action.
6. i can't say seriously say sorry. i just can't. is it a pride problem? hmmm. i can feel it, but i just can't say it out loud.
7. do i make myself sound bad so that i can hear other people say that i'm better? there was a word for this sort of condition, but i can't remember the word. hmm. and i can't find the word online either D:
8. i break promises most of the time. that is why when someone asks me to promise them something, i really get this 'ugh' feeling. then i always feel guilty when i never live up to their expectation.
9. i am obsessed with how i appear to others, how others think of me, how i look. guess it counts as vanity too?
10. i have only used excuses to not turn up when i really don't feel well. does this count?
11. i want alot, but i can't give back alot. again the realist vs the idealist.
12. i seem to be going out alot even when i have more important things to do. and when i have little money.
13. i seem to be saving, but i'm spending alot.
14. i lie. not huge ones, but still, ones that will come back and bite me in my karma. or so my ma says.
15. i can't focus. i put my priorities in all the wrong places. like wanting a bf (which i already know won't happen) and wanting my work to be pro, but not putting enough effort for it
16. i am a quitter. i always seem to work on a project and leave it halfway because i lost interest in it.
17. i keep thinking my work is good, or isn't that bad, but it really sucks. to the max, like my friend K would say.
18. i say i'm not spoiled, but am i really not?
19. i worry alot, but never do anything to ease my worries.
20. i am ugly. i wished i looked prettier. have bigger eyes, have better skin, have hairless legsarmslipspitsstomach everywhere except on the right parts, be taller, have nicer voice. guess this classifies under vain too. ah well.
21. i care a lot about how my family sees me. the fact that none of them remembered my birthday makes me a little sad, but does it mean that i'm forgettable, the extra daughter they don't need since they have a really smart daughter and son already. the dream team. the dragon phoenix set. i'm just the backup. they get me the stuff i want just to keep to me shut up and quiet. unfortunately i seem to be a noisy brat.
22. i keep thinking that people are plotting against me, talking about me behind my back, stabbing me in the back anytime when i'm not around.
i wish i were more sure of myself. i wish i knew what i was doing. i wish i knew what i want to do for my work. i wish my work was good. i wish for alot of things, but none of them will come true unless i work on it. (see! i predict, but never work on them) i wish i were more content with what i have. that i'd stop wishing for things that will never happen.
Monday, September 20, 2010
after 6 months o_o (part 1- April - June 10)
wow, its really about there, huh, 6 months. i've done a lot of things and did alot of crazy stuff, and grew up alot more, and complained alot more than usual. huh, it seems that as i grow up, i complain more and more, becoming unstatisfied with my life, even though i have alot of things to thank for already. i'll tell most stuff in order, but lazy pics arh. haha! too baad. not like anyone's reading, no?
from my last post, i said that i was going for internship, and it was from april to mid june. it was quite okay, i guess? had quite a lot of fun, drank wine sake and stuff. o_o. anyway, continuing~ lalala~~ haha! XD it so happened that we came in at the time when the company was moving to herderson industrial park, so we (lijuan and i) were the main packers of the entire operation. i feel really sorry to lijuan halfway, because i wasn't there for the last 3 most intese days of packing. i'll talk about why i wasn't there later. and so, we were the main packers, so when there was free time, it was 'go pack the (insert name of area)'. i guess we were lucky that we got enough boxes so that we didn't have to go look for even more. that would have crazy. as if we didn't have enough to do.
as such, we pretty much knew where almost all of the things were and in which box. i did say that we needed to make a list to keep track of how many boxes per area, but oh well, what can you do when your superior says there's no need for that? it was pretty weird, i think, that the interns that were going away in a month's time were the ones who knew where all the things were. most of time, after we moved to the knew place, they would ask us for the place for certain stuff, and we would have to bring them to the place where we stored the stuff. we became 'inventory', literally. well, mostly lijuan, truthfully. i could get most of the stuff, but not all. since we were the ones who also unpacked everything, finding time within all the mess and all the shoots. o_o well. and the boss goes around on other people's fb page telling them they were the 'best ever intern'. and we went to help out on a outdoor shoot on the day JUST before we were supposed to fly to china. wth. whatever. i'm grateful for the things i learned from him, but that doesn't mean i have to like the man, no? and the 2 weeks under the producer, T, was woah man, intense and stressful. looking for weirdo stuff, like lockers and office tables. =_= haha, i tell you it is sooo not an easy job. it was around that period of time where i stopped frequenting FB so that i could curb my itchy fingers from complaining at my job and [maybe] getting sued for defamation. see, media law came in useful. HAHA. they were [mostly] nice people, and i could probably work there again, but i'm not so sure i want to go into this line. then again, i'm never sure about anything long-term. but i'd still like to learn more and understand photography, since i really like it, and want to see if i'm suited for it or not. (almost wrote singlish. haha)
the people there are pretty fun, and are okay. really like abby :) haha, and huixin. the others, i can understand them, but it doesn't mean i have to like them...right? i'm ok-ok with them i guess, as seniors and co-workers. i still feel its weird, calling someone 20 years older than you by their name. i usually add a 'mr' or a 'ms'. call me old fashioned, but i realy think its the proper way to address them, since they are my seniors in life. yeah, i guess that's about it. i respect them as my elders in age and life, but i don't really like-hate them. except in really happy or stressful situations. HA. neutral feelings. =_=
about the part where i had to take leave on the days where packing was most intense, it really was unexpected and unavoidable. well, unavoidable cam after unexpected. the unexpected was my uncle dying. the unavoidable was me having to stay with my grandfather to take care/watch him. i still remember the day it happened. the phone ringing at 8am or so, my dad picking up the phone, and shouts a really 'what!'. hushed tones follow, and he suddenly shouts at us to wake up and the first thing he says to us, is 'er shu just died.' we open our eyes in shock, and get out of bed. i can't really remember what happens after though. after things and people were settled and informed, it occured to me and my parents that i couldn't go down for the funeral, bacause my passport was being processed at the china embassy for the visa, so i couldn't even leave the country. my grandfather had hurt his back the week before it happend, so my uncle and dad insisted that he not go down, for fearing he might hurt his back again. so they arranged it so that i would go down to stay to take care of my granddad for that period of time, which was a wed i think. the moving was that week's ending, so i remember wuite clearly. my whole family left on that day and i returned to an empty house, which was kinda scary. i tols lijuan, and jimmy (boss) what had happened, but i never told the rest of the company, which i just explained as 'family stuff'. which it was, technically. i didn't want to see their pitying and asking 'are you okay'. i think its pretty pointless. hello, someone i knew well DIED, how am i supposed to respond? 'peachy'? bawl and wail? the fact hadn't really sunk in, so i didn't really know how to act. so i didn't say anything.
throughout the 3 days i stayed with my granddad, i felt it was more like he took care of me, i guess. meals and all that, he was the one who went to buy and cook. o_o i know i know, i was lousy. but by the time i woke up, breakfast was already there and became brunch at the same time. i think i thinned down that week, cause i ate like 2 meals a day. also not quite sure what to eat. hmhm. but it seemed to take my grandpa's mind off brooding, which i saw him doing once and tearing up too. like, concentrate on keeping the alive alive, and let the dead go. my uncle said my grandpa looked better after he came back from the funeral. my family stayed for the first 4 days, and my dad throughout the 7 days.i cried when my grandma cried while she talked. partly because i felt so sad for her, and sad for my cousins, and sad for my dead uncle.
even typing this makes me feel depressed again. sigh.
from my last post, i said that i was going for internship, and it was from april to mid june. it was quite okay, i guess? had quite a lot of fun, drank wine sake and stuff. o_o. anyway, continuing~ lalala~~ haha! XD it so happened that we came in at the time when the company was moving to herderson industrial park, so we (lijuan and i) were the main packers of the entire operation. i feel really sorry to lijuan halfway, because i wasn't there for the last 3 most intese days of packing. i'll talk about why i wasn't there later. and so, we were the main packers, so when there was free time, it was 'go pack the (insert name of area)'. i guess we were lucky that we got enough boxes so that we didn't have to go look for even more. that would have crazy. as if we didn't have enough to do.
as such, we pretty much knew where almost all of the things were and in which box. i did say that we needed to make a list to keep track of how many boxes per area, but oh well, what can you do when your superior says there's no need for that? it was pretty weird, i think, that the interns that were going away in a month's time were the ones who knew where all the things were. most of time, after we moved to the knew place, they would ask us for the place for certain stuff, and we would have to bring them to the place where we stored the stuff. we became 'inventory', literally. well, mostly lijuan, truthfully. i could get most of the stuff, but not all. since we were the ones who also unpacked everything, finding time within all the mess and all the shoots. o_o well. and the boss goes around on other people's fb page telling them they were the 'best ever intern'. and we went to help out on a outdoor shoot on the day JUST before we were supposed to fly to china. wth. whatever. i'm grateful for the things i learned from him, but that doesn't mean i have to like the man, no? and the 2 weeks under the producer, T, was woah man, intense and stressful. looking for weirdo stuff, like lockers and office tables. =_= haha, i tell you it is sooo not an easy job. it was around that period of time where i stopped frequenting FB so that i could curb my itchy fingers from complaining at my job and [maybe] getting sued for defamation. see, media law came in useful. HAHA. they were [mostly] nice people, and i could probably work there again, but i'm not so sure i want to go into this line. then again, i'm never sure about anything long-term. but i'd still like to learn more and understand photography, since i really like it, and want to see if i'm suited for it or not. (almost wrote singlish. haha)
the people there are pretty fun, and are okay. really like abby :) haha, and huixin. the others, i can understand them, but it doesn't mean i have to like them...right? i'm ok-ok with them i guess, as seniors and co-workers. i still feel its weird, calling someone 20 years older than you by their name. i usually add a 'mr' or a 'ms'. call me old fashioned, but i realy think its the proper way to address them, since they are my seniors in life. yeah, i guess that's about it. i respect them as my elders in age and life, but i don't really like-hate them. except in really happy or stressful situations. HA. neutral feelings. =_=
about the part where i had to take leave on the days where packing was most intense, it really was unexpected and unavoidable. well, unavoidable cam after unexpected. the unexpected was my uncle dying. the unavoidable was me having to stay with my grandfather to take care/watch him. i still remember the day it happened. the phone ringing at 8am or so, my dad picking up the phone, and shouts a really 'what!'. hushed tones follow, and he suddenly shouts at us to wake up and the first thing he says to us, is 'er shu just died.' we open our eyes in shock, and get out of bed. i can't really remember what happens after though. after things and people were settled and informed, it occured to me and my parents that i couldn't go down for the funeral, bacause my passport was being processed at the china embassy for the visa, so i couldn't even leave the country. my grandfather had hurt his back the week before it happend, so my uncle and dad insisted that he not go down, for fearing he might hurt his back again. so they arranged it so that i would go down to stay to take care of my granddad for that period of time, which was a wed i think. the moving was that week's ending, so i remember wuite clearly. my whole family left on that day and i returned to an empty house, which was kinda scary. i tols lijuan, and jimmy (boss) what had happened, but i never told the rest of the company, which i just explained as 'family stuff'. which it was, technically. i didn't want to see their pitying and asking 'are you okay'. i think its pretty pointless. hello, someone i knew well DIED, how am i supposed to respond? 'peachy'? bawl and wail? the fact hadn't really sunk in, so i didn't really know how to act. so i didn't say anything.
throughout the 3 days i stayed with my granddad, i felt it was more like he took care of me, i guess. meals and all that, he was the one who went to buy and cook. o_o i know i know, i was lousy. but by the time i woke up, breakfast was already there and became brunch at the same time. i think i thinned down that week, cause i ate like 2 meals a day. also not quite sure what to eat. hmhm. but it seemed to take my grandpa's mind off brooding, which i saw him doing once and tearing up too. like, concentrate on keeping the alive alive, and let the dead go. my uncle said my grandpa looked better after he came back from the funeral. my family stayed for the first 4 days, and my dad throughout the 7 days.i cried when my grandma cried while she talked. partly because i felt so sad for her, and sad for my cousins, and sad for my dead uncle.
even typing this makes me feel depressed again. sigh.
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