so addictive, craving something you can't have

haha, don't be so alarmed when you see the post name. i'm not into drugs, really.

i wonder sometimes if it would be better to have something to crave, to think about all the time. love sometimes can be so consuming, you don't where it starts or ends. it never seems to stop, yet it keeps dragging you away from where you are.  i know this sounds like i've got 'someone', but trust me, i don't.


i wish i really was addicted to something tangible, instead of being obssesed with something i can never have and it doesn't really exsist in a physical form. rather then saying that it doesn't, it actually does. but to me, it became etheral, unreal, so far from my reach that it became something non-physical. everytime i look into the mirror, i'm reminded of this fact.
something my mom said to me has stayed in my head for quite sometime. its something my sis has said to me too, i think. i can't get over it. it goes round and round and round, and pushes me to do it even though i'm repulsed by my own feelings.
but i want it so bad, so badly that i'd die for it. i think. not quite sure. that's the bad thing about being in a sensible household and being raised up straight and reading too many books. you know exactly what you're doing and the reprecussions. and all the people who are in much more hopeless situations, and here you are wasting your life away.


it's interesting actually, to see how far i can push my crazy thoughts, how wound up i can get. it's almost like cutting one's wrists. the craving to feel some pain to distract the one you feel inside, something to teether yourself to sanity, while pushing it all the same. to see yourself bleed, to see that blood red drop against the black white gray of your world that you are thinking you are in. 

btw, i think that people who cut their wrists are really irritating. they think they are in the centre of the world, only they are feeling troubled and all the pain in the world. wake up, geez.



this is such a nonsensical post. gosh...wish i was some bimbo that gets herself lost in idol dramas and crazy idol-worshipping.

confused..

heeyy..to no one? :D
its been very long since i've updated..i can't recount everything, so i'll just put up some that i remember.
- recently went to eat dinner with my aunt's family from myanmar, and we went downstairs to eat at yishun. it was on a sun, so there was a hk drama showing that my granpa loooved to watch. so much so when we got down and on the 2nd time, found a nice airy table, he refused to move from the inital table we found. super embarassing...=_='' why? cause it was facing the tv...
- went to eat dinner last week to celebrate my bro and sis's birthday. nice seafood :D too bad i'm allergic to most..ha. since most are the shell-fish kind, like crab. 
- got veryvery sick during the days which were the most crucial to finish my metro artwork. ARGH! was super irritated..somemore i stayed up the night when i knew i was going to fall sick. and still ploughed on to finish the stupid work during the fever. had the full course: which consists of 5 'dishes' - runny nose, cold, cough, fever, headache. ahh, what more could i ask for? hmph!
- got a loooovley 'F' grade ;D for vaf. yessss! something i always wanted.
i prefer bring sarcastic. would they rather prefer that i speak and shoot bullets instead of barbs? i'm SICK and TIRED saying nice things when i DON'T feel like it. especially if that thing is so horrible and they expect it to be nice. i don't want to. since they can do whatever they want, i don't see why i can't. just because they want people to act they want them to, should i beg and grovel? so double standards. 
- ...my english got commented on D: bad grammer. sigh...ever since i got into poly, my grammer is getting worse. not that i really knew how to correct it all the time. i can catch some of my mistakes at times, not all. oh well..
- been feeling guilty at the birthday cards thing...argh..i haven't even done the september kids ones! 4 mths!! o_o die...will they mind if i do so late?....
- got a nice artbook :) from basheer graphics bookstore. thanks to the 50 dollar voucher (hee!), can get a nice book. but there's this nagging feeling that i saw the book on discount during the december period..can't remember if it was cheaper..arghh..
- might be going to dalian. in that period, apparently we have 3 days to go to beijing. want to go visit biss and my friends who are still there. hopefully. haha. but dunno if that time is hols anot..and will the guards let me in?...don't know if they have changed new guards or the old ones forgot me..but most importantly is if we have our own free time during those 3 days to go around.... and i'm not sure which 'huan' we'll be in..might cost alot to get there and back..haha.


that's it for now, i guess..