new start. sort of anyway

finally, my packaging has ended. but with an end gives a start. which means a start to (stupid) new project - advertising! whoop-de-doo. i am sooo excited. and there's no need to wait. ha. it was instant man, totally. even before the packaging was finished, we were already 'warned' about it. talk about being ready early huh.

anyway, to give a heads up, i just might be staying in year 2 for another year! yay! so g'luck to y'all folks out there!
everytime i think about this i get really cranky and super uber sarcastic. which makes me a mean friend. i'm not sure if i want to apologise for that. that's who i am. i think. mostly i think i'm a lazy scaredy cat. not gonna give any reason/excuse, cause it will make it like i'm trying to give excuse, which i'm trying to prevent it from sounding like it. oh well. 

trying hard to focus on finishing up my stuff, like the ITP letter (get it sent! argh!) and finishing up my video for class. which i really have no idea why we are taking, because i can only see some us doing it, and the rest letting the information rot and trickle out of their heads. argh, focus! (see, this is what i do all the time. follow the flow of topic like water flows away into different places. ah well) hmm, what else do i have... ah, doing up more taglines for METRO ads. gah. i don't see myself going into copywriting, even though my english is not so sing-lish-fied.


another reason why i'm distracted is cause of my lovely lovely books! argh, found lots of books that i wanted to read, or i have already read the previous collection so i'm following up with the latest installment. dieee...


lately have been quite moody..muu. partly because i found out my voice is more pitchy then i thought. ugh! i can't stand high pitch voices. don't get me wrong, i generally dislike them, but i know there are some nice high voices around. i just haven't heard one yet. mine is so...ugh. like i said, pitchy. its the kind if i'm not careful i'll sound whiney even whne i don't want it to. 
found out through our filming for the video, because (obviously) there are some (behind the) scenes where i'm talking and the other people's voices sound like they do outside the video, so i'm assuming mine is like that too. ARGHH! D: don't like high pitch voice D:
don't know if i've mentioned it(i've been having STM for the past 2 years..baaad, really bad), about the filming for video class, i'm the main character in the vid. bleh. trust me, i don't want to. but i don't want to be the person who refuses to do something and hold up the whole production (here my sis will go 'you think you are so li hai meh? can make people wait for you?) and that's the main hold up (i think?) and reluctance for editing the video. because editing will require me to see myself over and over and over again, in order for me to edit what i want. which means i have to watch my horrigible acting skills and curse myself for being a lousy actress and being ugly and all kinds of random stuff running through my head. bleh.


guess i'll stop here. updates will (hopefully) pick up from now on...

Korea and Politics (really old post...forgot to post it. heh)

korea trip coming soon! :D soo happy! i've always wanted to travel, but never had the chance too. so many new things and stuffs to see and explore. bet i'll look like a kiasu tourist. haha

but frankly, i'm a bit apprehensive about going. firstly because of language barrier. i can't speak korean for nuts, and i've been trying. +_+ the other reason is cause of class? sort of, in a way.

i won't recount the whole tale, but just give a short explanation of what happened. there was a, um, a bit of hoohah over the grouping because it was sort of messed up by some. what i'd like to say, is i don't really need or have to have it to be a class thing. i am okay with interchanging class. it was sort of in the heat/moment, that i said i wanted it to more of a class bonding thing. now the way i see it, it seems more like a class splitting thing.

what i wanted was to be in a group with people i KNOW and FEEL comfortable with. with the group they were 'planning' to 'trade' me for, there was only one person i was comfotable with, and the other 2 was..ok? there was one i'd rather not interact as much as possible (there's nothing wrong with her. i just feel that my personality won't go well with her...and i don't want fights to start and feel unhappy. i'm short fused. =_=) the fella won't even acknowledge me, but i'm not sure if it's just me being paranoid or what...i admit, i was wrong to say that i wanted it as a class thing. i DO get the whole thing about she has no group, and needs a group, and our class is better with her. i really DO get it. but STILL! the way she said it, and she never even discussed it beforehand. it was like, totally agreed that I would WANT to go over!! D: she MISCALCULATED. BIG TIME. she thought i was going to say "oh ok anything will do! even if i am in TOTALLY unknown company, its OKAY! cause I have to suit YOUR needs!" she didn't even consider MY point of view! (okay, that totally sound narssistic) i mean, yeah i get it, she wants HER group to be in a group. SHE doesn't have to CARE about others; after all it's a dog eat dog world, where first come first served. but would it kill her to think about others for a second??! if she wants a fight, she'll get one! i won't back down without a fight.

what i'm angry about is that she didn't consult me. it makes me feel that their group went and discussed it and decided on the groupings already, while not informing us of their decision. i don't mean that we have to take part in the decision making. at least run it by us and see what we have to say, right? now this makes me paranoid, thinking that they are talking bad behind my back. its this feeling all over again. ]:|

AND after all that trouble, the teachers have to go off and say " oh, now we group you into pairs". WHAT THE???!! after all that stupid business of sorting out who went with who, you come and tell us that we're in PAIRS NOW?? i mean, i'm okay with the pairing. i just feel that my partner would....i dunno, feel better with another person who gets her.its a HAPPY event, i DON'T want to go there with feelings that i have to be on guard and watch what i say, do, treat that girl.urgh. i mean, not my partner, its the other girl i'm referring to. i saw the other groupings, and i felt a little..guilty? it doesn't seem like a comfortable pairing for quite a few, and maybe it's cause of me? (here is where my sis will come and say 'you think you so li hai meh? that everyone adjust just because of you meh?? please la!' i guess in a way, its a comfort.)

so i'd like to re-itereate and clarify. i don't HAVE to have it as class thingy. i just want to be with a group or person who is comfortable with me and me comfotable with them. kapish? i think i said it that time cause i didn't want to be with a group who wouldn't like me at all. :(

angry...

i don't know what the FREAK am i doing....
even after submitting (LATE) the damn freaky assignment, i am staying up. for what? video.
do i like it in the first place? NO. so why the HELL am i up at 3 am in the freaky MORNING doing it?
............
......
...
..

i really have no idea. 








i think i'm so very close to losing it. but hey, can't it be so easy to lose it?



why am i complaining? when i have an education, food, clothes and things i could i ever want? so ungrateful, selfish, whiney. urgh. 
i HATE myself. 120% doesn't cover it. maybe 200%
 so scared my body will break down..like my liver, or kidney, or my eyes.  but what can i do? don't do my work? i wish i had the strength to cry, but i don't...but i don't want to at the same time. it means i'm weak, and i don't want to be weak. 

its not an option. its a requirement. to be strong.