haha, don't be so alarmed when you see the post name. i'm not into drugs, really.
i wonder sometimes if it would be better to have something to crave, to think about all the time. love sometimes can be so consuming, you don't where it starts or ends. it never seems to stop, yet it keeps dragging you away from where you are. i know this sounds like i've got 'someone', but trust me, i don't.
i wish i really was addicted to something tangible, instead of being obssesed with something i can never have and it doesn't really exsist in a physical form. rather then saying that it doesn't, it actually does. but to me, it became etheral, unreal, so far from my reach that it became something non-physical. everytime i look into the mirror, i'm reminded of this fact.
something my mom said to me has stayed in my head for quite sometime. its something my sis has said to me too, i think. i can't get over it. it goes round and round and round, and pushes me to do it even though i'm repulsed by my own feelings.
but i want it so bad, so badly that i'd die for it. i think. not quite sure. that's the bad thing about being in a sensible household and being raised up straight and reading too many books. you know exactly what you're doing and the reprecussions. and all the people who are in much more hopeless situations, and here you are wasting your life away.
it's interesting actually, to see how far i can push my crazy thoughts, how wound up i can get. it's almost like cutting one's wrists. the craving to feel some pain to distract the one you feel inside, something to teether yourself to sanity, while pushing it all the same. to see yourself bleed, to see that blood red drop against the black white gray of your world that you are thinking you are in.
btw, i think that people who cut their wrists are really irritating. they think they are in the centre of the world, only they are feeling troubled and all the pain in the world. wake up, geez.
this is such a nonsensical post. gosh...wish i was some bimbo that gets herself lost in idol dramas and crazy idol-worshipping.
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