1st day of work

not quite sure if i've updated for this yaer, but yeah, whatever.
right now i've finished year 2, almost. all that's left is internship. which is okay, so far, i guess. i mean, its my 1st day after all, so i can't really say. we mostly helped out for the packing and moving for the moving to the new studio. i can safely say we'll become 'por'fessionals soon :)
haha, not that i'm complaining. it's nice to do such things, esp. if i can help out in anyway. but there was a bit i was afraid i was coming across as. like, smug or complacent. D: because it really was the place i stayed, so it really was my turf. and i did work there previously. i just hope they don't think i'm showing off or somthing like that. ): i really was trying to help them by going to one of my old working places to get the boxes.since the old place was a stocking company, and it all that paper and all, i thought they might have what we need, which was boxes.sigh..kinda tired.
hopefully my intern will go smoothly. the person i'm working under, theresa, for now seems quite...scary D: production is gonna be a killer, since i'm not the kind to talk very well. :(
pray for me?

whirlwind-of-thoughts

not sure if it's cause of the song, but i keep crying. while reading the manga, of course.
ifeelsoscared,itwon'tgoaway,thefearofdoingsomethingwrong,thefearofsomeonehatingme,havingtowatchwhatthepeoplearoundmewant.  watchtheiremotions,keepinghavingtosecondguesstheirthoughts,havetoactthewaytheywantmetobe,theyexpectmetobe. i'mtiredtonotreachingexpectations,i'mtiredofbeingscaredoffailing,itiredofhavingtohavetodependondomeoneelse,andistillhaveto. its like a drug, so addictive i can't ever let go of it.
its these times that i feel like i'm 7 again.

so addictive, craving something you can't have

haha, don't be so alarmed when you see the post name. i'm not into drugs, really.

i wonder sometimes if it would be better to have something to crave, to think about all the time. love sometimes can be so consuming, you don't where it starts or ends. it never seems to stop, yet it keeps dragging you away from where you are.  i know this sounds like i've got 'someone', but trust me, i don't.


i wish i really was addicted to something tangible, instead of being obssesed with something i can never have and it doesn't really exsist in a physical form. rather then saying that it doesn't, it actually does. but to me, it became etheral, unreal, so far from my reach that it became something non-physical. everytime i look into the mirror, i'm reminded of this fact.
something my mom said to me has stayed in my head for quite sometime. its something my sis has said to me too, i think. i can't get over it. it goes round and round and round, and pushes me to do it even though i'm repulsed by my own feelings.
but i want it so bad, so badly that i'd die for it. i think. not quite sure. that's the bad thing about being in a sensible household and being raised up straight and reading too many books. you know exactly what you're doing and the reprecussions. and all the people who are in much more hopeless situations, and here you are wasting your life away.


it's interesting actually, to see how far i can push my crazy thoughts, how wound up i can get. it's almost like cutting one's wrists. the craving to feel some pain to distract the one you feel inside, something to teether yourself to sanity, while pushing it all the same. to see yourself bleed, to see that blood red drop against the black white gray of your world that you are thinking you are in. 

btw, i think that people who cut their wrists are really irritating. they think they are in the centre of the world, only they are feeling troubled and all the pain in the world. wake up, geez.



this is such a nonsensical post. gosh...wish i was some bimbo that gets herself lost in idol dramas and crazy idol-worshipping.

confused..

heeyy..to no one? :D
its been very long since i've updated..i can't recount everything, so i'll just put up some that i remember.
- recently went to eat dinner with my aunt's family from myanmar, and we went downstairs to eat at yishun. it was on a sun, so there was a hk drama showing that my granpa loooved to watch. so much so when we got down and on the 2nd time, found a nice airy table, he refused to move from the inital table we found. super embarassing...=_='' why? cause it was facing the tv...
- went to eat dinner last week to celebrate my bro and sis's birthday. nice seafood :D too bad i'm allergic to most..ha. since most are the shell-fish kind, like crab. 
- got veryvery sick during the days which were the most crucial to finish my metro artwork. ARGH! was super irritated..somemore i stayed up the night when i knew i was going to fall sick. and still ploughed on to finish the stupid work during the fever. had the full course: which consists of 5 'dishes' - runny nose, cold, cough, fever, headache. ahh, what more could i ask for? hmph!
- got a loooovley 'F' grade ;D for vaf. yessss! something i always wanted.
i prefer bring sarcastic. would they rather prefer that i speak and shoot bullets instead of barbs? i'm SICK and TIRED saying nice things when i DON'T feel like it. especially if that thing is so horrible and they expect it to be nice. i don't want to. since they can do whatever they want, i don't see why i can't. just because they want people to act they want them to, should i beg and grovel? so double standards. 
- ...my english got commented on D: bad grammer. sigh...ever since i got into poly, my grammer is getting worse. not that i really knew how to correct it all the time. i can catch some of my mistakes at times, not all. oh well..
- been feeling guilty at the birthday cards thing...argh..i haven't even done the september kids ones! 4 mths!! o_o die...will they mind if i do so late?....
- got a nice artbook :) from basheer graphics bookstore. thanks to the 50 dollar voucher (hee!), can get a nice book. but there's this nagging feeling that i saw the book on discount during the december period..can't remember if it was cheaper..arghh..
- might be going to dalian. in that period, apparently we have 3 days to go to beijing. want to go visit biss and my friends who are still there. hopefully. haha. but dunno if that time is hols anot..and will the guards let me in?...don't know if they have changed new guards or the old ones forgot me..but most importantly is if we have our own free time during those 3 days to go around.... and i'm not sure which 'huan' we'll be in..might cost alot to get there and back..haha.


that's it for now, i guess..

new start. sort of anyway

finally, my packaging has ended. but with an end gives a start. which means a start to (stupid) new project - advertising! whoop-de-doo. i am sooo excited. and there's no need to wait. ha. it was instant man, totally. even before the packaging was finished, we were already 'warned' about it. talk about being ready early huh.

anyway, to give a heads up, i just might be staying in year 2 for another year! yay! so g'luck to y'all folks out there!
everytime i think about this i get really cranky and super uber sarcastic. which makes me a mean friend. i'm not sure if i want to apologise for that. that's who i am. i think. mostly i think i'm a lazy scaredy cat. not gonna give any reason/excuse, cause it will make it like i'm trying to give excuse, which i'm trying to prevent it from sounding like it. oh well. 

trying hard to focus on finishing up my stuff, like the ITP letter (get it sent! argh!) and finishing up my video for class. which i really have no idea why we are taking, because i can only see some us doing it, and the rest letting the information rot and trickle out of their heads. argh, focus! (see, this is what i do all the time. follow the flow of topic like water flows away into different places. ah well) hmm, what else do i have... ah, doing up more taglines for METRO ads. gah. i don't see myself going into copywriting, even though my english is not so sing-lish-fied.


another reason why i'm distracted is cause of my lovely lovely books! argh, found lots of books that i wanted to read, or i have already read the previous collection so i'm following up with the latest installment. dieee...


lately have been quite moody..muu. partly because i found out my voice is more pitchy then i thought. ugh! i can't stand high pitch voices. don't get me wrong, i generally dislike them, but i know there are some nice high voices around. i just haven't heard one yet. mine is so...ugh. like i said, pitchy. its the kind if i'm not careful i'll sound whiney even whne i don't want it to. 
found out through our filming for the video, because (obviously) there are some (behind the) scenes where i'm talking and the other people's voices sound like they do outside the video, so i'm assuming mine is like that too. ARGHH! D: don't like high pitch voice D:
don't know if i've mentioned it(i've been having STM for the past 2 years..baaad, really bad), about the filming for video class, i'm the main character in the vid. bleh. trust me, i don't want to. but i don't want to be the person who refuses to do something and hold up the whole production (here my sis will go 'you think you are so li hai meh? can make people wait for you?) and that's the main hold up (i think?) and reluctance for editing the video. because editing will require me to see myself over and over and over again, in order for me to edit what i want. which means i have to watch my horrigible acting skills and curse myself for being a lousy actress and being ugly and all kinds of random stuff running through my head. bleh.


guess i'll stop here. updates will (hopefully) pick up from now on...

Korea and Politics (really old post...forgot to post it. heh)

korea trip coming soon! :D soo happy! i've always wanted to travel, but never had the chance too. so many new things and stuffs to see and explore. bet i'll look like a kiasu tourist. haha

but frankly, i'm a bit apprehensive about going. firstly because of language barrier. i can't speak korean for nuts, and i've been trying. +_+ the other reason is cause of class? sort of, in a way.

i won't recount the whole tale, but just give a short explanation of what happened. there was a, um, a bit of hoohah over the grouping because it was sort of messed up by some. what i'd like to say, is i don't really need or have to have it to be a class thing. i am okay with interchanging class. it was sort of in the heat/moment, that i said i wanted it to more of a class bonding thing. now the way i see it, it seems more like a class splitting thing.

what i wanted was to be in a group with people i KNOW and FEEL comfortable with. with the group they were 'planning' to 'trade' me for, there was only one person i was comfotable with, and the other 2 was..ok? there was one i'd rather not interact as much as possible (there's nothing wrong with her. i just feel that my personality won't go well with her...and i don't want fights to start and feel unhappy. i'm short fused. =_=) the fella won't even acknowledge me, but i'm not sure if it's just me being paranoid or what...i admit, i was wrong to say that i wanted it as a class thing. i DO get the whole thing about she has no group, and needs a group, and our class is better with her. i really DO get it. but STILL! the way she said it, and she never even discussed it beforehand. it was like, totally agreed that I would WANT to go over!! D: she MISCALCULATED. BIG TIME. she thought i was going to say "oh ok anything will do! even if i am in TOTALLY unknown company, its OKAY! cause I have to suit YOUR needs!" she didn't even consider MY point of view! (okay, that totally sound narssistic) i mean, yeah i get it, she wants HER group to be in a group. SHE doesn't have to CARE about others; after all it's a dog eat dog world, where first come first served. but would it kill her to think about others for a second??! if she wants a fight, she'll get one! i won't back down without a fight.

what i'm angry about is that she didn't consult me. it makes me feel that their group went and discussed it and decided on the groupings already, while not informing us of their decision. i don't mean that we have to take part in the decision making. at least run it by us and see what we have to say, right? now this makes me paranoid, thinking that they are talking bad behind my back. its this feeling all over again. ]:|

AND after all that trouble, the teachers have to go off and say " oh, now we group you into pairs". WHAT THE???!! after all that stupid business of sorting out who went with who, you come and tell us that we're in PAIRS NOW?? i mean, i'm okay with the pairing. i just feel that my partner would....i dunno, feel better with another person who gets her.its a HAPPY event, i DON'T want to go there with feelings that i have to be on guard and watch what i say, do, treat that girl.urgh. i mean, not my partner, its the other girl i'm referring to. i saw the other groupings, and i felt a little..guilty? it doesn't seem like a comfortable pairing for quite a few, and maybe it's cause of me? (here is where my sis will come and say 'you think you so li hai meh? that everyone adjust just because of you meh?? please la!' i guess in a way, its a comfort.)

so i'd like to re-itereate and clarify. i don't HAVE to have it as class thingy. i just want to be with a group or person who is comfortable with me and me comfotable with them. kapish? i think i said it that time cause i didn't want to be with a group who wouldn't like me at all. :(

angry...

i don't know what the FREAK am i doing....
even after submitting (LATE) the damn freaky assignment, i am staying up. for what? video.
do i like it in the first place? NO. so why the HELL am i up at 3 am in the freaky MORNING doing it?
............
......
...
..

i really have no idea. 








i think i'm so very close to losing it. but hey, can't it be so easy to lose it?



why am i complaining? when i have an education, food, clothes and things i could i ever want? so ungrateful, selfish, whiney. urgh. 
i HATE myself. 120% doesn't cover it. maybe 200%
 so scared my body will break down..like my liver, or kidney, or my eyes.  but what can i do? don't do my work? i wish i had the strength to cry, but i don't...but i don't want to at the same time. it means i'm weak, and i don't want to be weak. 

its not an option. its a requirement. to be strong.