hello~ i'm back? haha, after leaving this blog for like, what, half a year? so i'll try to fill up/summarize what when on in my life during the missing 'online' months..
i had my fyp, had my portfolio done, went for interviews, did the gradshow, had a alot of nice meetings with close friends, tried my hand cosplaying (i sucked, big time), maaaajor dramas darlings, gossip-kind; and loads of late nights and growing up; spending tons of money too =_= oh, and got 2 cameras! hahaha! a dslr and a polaroid :) thank you mommy daddy :D for the dslr~ hehe
It feels unreal? to have graudated and to be going on 20.
to a certain extent, i can't even believe i graduated. before the gradshow, quite alot of us were sort of sighing and hoping that it would end soon. 'cause gradshow this year had alot of components that we couldn't control, and we reallly didn't like that. like the fact that we had zero sponsors (i have totally no idea who's problem that is though...? hm?) and i feel really grateful to the people who really worked their asses and eyes off this gradshow. without them we couldn't have made it through :D so, a reeeally big thanks to you guys~ :"D it might sound a little fake? but i really do appreciate their effort.
i really did try to help out also, so that i would be useful. but i think i might not have been that helpful T_T that's the worse feeling for me :( just hoped they understood... i mean, i want to help! but its like, i don't know how to do the BIG stuff and can only offer the small services like cleaning and resizing photos, checking through the books...and there's always the part that's scared that i'll do it wrong and they'll have to put in extra time to re-do it. which i totally think that might have been the problem. there were alot of UGHHHH stuff because of people and management problems, and still, i still don't like those people. hahaha. think that they were pretty undeserving to even be where they were in the book, because they were no help and rather more of a hindrance to the work progress. oh weellll, 'life's unfair'. D:
went to the TP gradshow too, and they were waaay better than us in eeevery aspect. i guess the only thing we can upstage them on is our commercial-bility. as in, we don't think that artistically, but more rationally, to give what the clients want, instead of being more concerned about the whole 'concept and art-visual understanding in one look'. well, not all of us i guess? hah...
fyp sucked big time. i'd still like to thank my teacher though! ahaha! poor lecturer who suffered because of me, also my poor group! haha! i can still remember the first thing we'd say to each other in class when we see each other is "have you done anything anot?!!" usually the reply would be "no eh!!?? you leh?" or "yeah, got a bit lah" HAHAH! *sigh* missing those days now. rather, i'm missing the times that i got to meet with my classmates, rather than the actual work. but right now, i'm still glad i got through it :D and got an okay grade for it! another thing was that i spent a pretty amount of $$ during this period of time =_= haha..
my teacher was also my portfolio advisor, and i still feel really sorry to him! >< for not being able to shoot 'Commercial Daily' with my classmate..haha. but hopefully we'll get down to it someday >D
more updates soon...along with some thoughtful comments (feel brainless right now..haha)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
lost -complaining time! @_@-
haven't really posted here in a long time, even though there are things that i literally threw a tantrum over.
mainly i think this post will be to clear out my doubts and scold myself more. yay *deadpanned*
i really don't know what i want. it feels like o levels all over again. once o lvls were done, i had no idea where i wanted to go, no idea where i wanted to go in the future. i wasn't the kind of person to plan way waay ahead, like in 10 20 years time i would be doing such and such. nope, no way am i'm that kinda person. i'm more of the kind to anticipate problems and worry alot about them. my teacher, mr L was right. i think about the problem, i aniticipate problems, but i don't bloody do ANYTHING. he said i was afraid to start and facing the problem, so by not even starting, i had the instinct in the back of my head that no probem would happen. well, that's more of an instinct kind of thing, so i'm trying to curb that.
so when my parents bought me (shock) me that riduclously (even i admit it, yes. i am NOT a spoilt brat. i hope. right?) expensive dlsr, i was still in doubt as to whether i should have even bought it. i know i know, you're gonna say 'you ALREADY bought it, so why are you STILL thinking about it??!' but that's me i guess. always worrying about spilt milk. almost to the point of obssesion. ah well.
i really want to try photog, but i'm still not sure that i will go that route. it pressureizes me and makes me wonder if i made the right decision to going to this course, to wanting to go to dalian, for wanting to go to japan. am i doing the right thing? will it all be just a waste of money to send me to this ridiculously expensive course. i'm the dumbest in the family, yet i think my parents' spent the most on my education as compared to yuen's and han's. i'm afraid i can't repay them, that i'll be just a disappointment to my mom, my dad. these days i've been thinking if i've been making the right choices, if i'm a good child, a good person, a person who makes the right decisions. a SANE and RATIONAL person. not a sentimental nitwit who spends money on stuff that seem to be not useful at all.
i tried looking for work, but can't seem to find any at all. its either the ad in the papers don't describe the job in detail or don't give the pay rate. it forces me to call in to ask more, which i HATE doing. i really, REALLY hate that. i swear, its a phone phobia of some sort. i don't really talk to strangers well, because i lose my head once i start talking. -_- i know, it sounds drastic. well, it might be a little exaggerated, but hey, where's the life in trying to play down everything? lalala
i know, i try to avoid problems. so i'll just state them all out, bare and very clearly. to disgust myself. (feel like some sort of masochist. haha. and its only a day after my bday. what a day to celebrate my 19th's 1st day huh)
1. i am a slacker. i look for short cuts. i'm not as hardworking as i would like to be/claim to be.
2. i ony work hard for things i like. i ignore the rest.
3. i am vain. or so my mother makes me feel so.
4. i dream too much. idealist, not realist. not soo good in this world.
5. i almost always turn up late for meetings. i say sorry, but i still do it. guess i'm a hypocrite too huh. say only never do. all talk no action.
6. i can't say seriously say sorry. i just can't. is it a pride problem? hmmm. i can feel it, but i just can't say it out loud.
7. do i make myself sound bad so that i can hear other people say that i'm better? there was a word for this sort of condition, but i can't remember the word. hmm. and i can't find the word online either D:
8. i break promises most of the time. that is why when someone asks me to promise them something, i really get this 'ugh' feeling. then i always feel guilty when i never live up to their expectation.
9. i am obsessed with how i appear to others, how others think of me, how i look. guess it counts as vanity too?
10. i have only used excuses to not turn up when i really don't feel well. does this count?
11. i want alot, but i can't give back alot. again the realist vs the idealist.
12. i seem to be going out alot even when i have more important things to do. and when i have little money.
13. i seem to be saving, but i'm spending alot.
14. i lie. not huge ones, but still, ones that will come back and bite me in my karma. or so my ma says.
15. i can't focus. i put my priorities in all the wrong places. like wanting a bf (which i already know won't happen) and wanting my work to be pro, but not putting enough effort for it
16. i am a quitter. i always seem to work on a project and leave it halfway because i lost interest in it.
17. i keep thinking my work is good, or isn't that bad, but it really sucks. to the max, like my friend K would say.
18. i say i'm not spoiled, but am i really not?
19. i worry alot, but never do anything to ease my worries.
20. i am ugly. i wished i looked prettier. have bigger eyes, have better skin, have hairless legsarmslipspitsstomach everywhere except on the right parts, be taller, have nicer voice. guess this classifies under vain too. ah well.
21. i care a lot about how my family sees me. the fact that none of them remembered my birthday makes me a little sad, but does it mean that i'm forgettable, the extra daughter they don't need since they have a really smart daughter and son already. the dream team. the dragon phoenix set. i'm just the backup. they get me the stuff i want just to keep to me shut up and quiet. unfortunately i seem to be a noisy brat.
22. i keep thinking that people are plotting against me, talking about me behind my back, stabbing me in the back anytime when i'm not around.
i wish i were more sure of myself. i wish i knew what i was doing. i wish i knew what i want to do for my work. i wish my work was good. i wish for alot of things, but none of them will come true unless i work on it. (see! i predict, but never work on them) i wish i were more content with what i have. that i'd stop wishing for things that will never happen.
mainly i think this post will be to clear out my doubts and scold myself more. yay *deadpanned*
i really don't know what i want. it feels like o levels all over again. once o lvls were done, i had no idea where i wanted to go, no idea where i wanted to go in the future. i wasn't the kind of person to plan way waay ahead, like in 10 20 years time i would be doing such and such. nope, no way am i'm that kinda person. i'm more of the kind to anticipate problems and worry alot about them. my teacher, mr L was right. i think about the problem, i aniticipate problems, but i don't bloody do ANYTHING. he said i was afraid to start and facing the problem, so by not even starting, i had the instinct in the back of my head that no probem would happen. well, that's more of an instinct kind of thing, so i'm trying to curb that.
so when my parents bought me (shock) me that riduclously (even i admit it, yes. i am NOT a spoilt brat. i hope. right?) expensive dlsr, i was still in doubt as to whether i should have even bought it. i know i know, you're gonna say 'you ALREADY bought it, so why are you STILL thinking about it??!' but that's me i guess. always worrying about spilt milk. almost to the point of obssesion. ah well.
i really want to try photog, but i'm still not sure that i will go that route. it pressureizes me and makes me wonder if i made the right decision to going to this course, to wanting to go to dalian, for wanting to go to japan. am i doing the right thing? will it all be just a waste of money to send me to this ridiculously expensive course. i'm the dumbest in the family, yet i think my parents' spent the most on my education as compared to yuen's and han's. i'm afraid i can't repay them, that i'll be just a disappointment to my mom, my dad. these days i've been thinking if i've been making the right choices, if i'm a good child, a good person, a person who makes the right decisions. a SANE and RATIONAL person. not a sentimental nitwit who spends money on stuff that seem to be not useful at all.
i tried looking for work, but can't seem to find any at all. its either the ad in the papers don't describe the job in detail or don't give the pay rate. it forces me to call in to ask more, which i HATE doing. i really, REALLY hate that. i swear, its a phone phobia of some sort. i don't really talk to strangers well, because i lose my head once i start talking. -_- i know, it sounds drastic. well, it might be a little exaggerated, but hey, where's the life in trying to play down everything? lalala
i know, i try to avoid problems. so i'll just state them all out, bare and very clearly. to disgust myself. (feel like some sort of masochist. haha. and its only a day after my bday. what a day to celebrate my 19th's 1st day huh)
1. i am a slacker. i look for short cuts. i'm not as hardworking as i would like to be/claim to be.
2. i ony work hard for things i like. i ignore the rest.
3. i am vain. or so my mother makes me feel so.
4. i dream too much. idealist, not realist. not soo good in this world.
5. i almost always turn up late for meetings. i say sorry, but i still do it. guess i'm a hypocrite too huh. say only never do. all talk no action.
6. i can't say seriously say sorry. i just can't. is it a pride problem? hmmm. i can feel it, but i just can't say it out loud.
7. do i make myself sound bad so that i can hear other people say that i'm better? there was a word for this sort of condition, but i can't remember the word. hmm. and i can't find the word online either D:
8. i break promises most of the time. that is why when someone asks me to promise them something, i really get this 'ugh' feeling. then i always feel guilty when i never live up to their expectation.
9. i am obsessed with how i appear to others, how others think of me, how i look. guess it counts as vanity too?
10. i have only used excuses to not turn up when i really don't feel well. does this count?
11. i want alot, but i can't give back alot. again the realist vs the idealist.
12. i seem to be going out alot even when i have more important things to do. and when i have little money.
13. i seem to be saving, but i'm spending alot.
14. i lie. not huge ones, but still, ones that will come back and bite me in my karma. or so my ma says.
15. i can't focus. i put my priorities in all the wrong places. like wanting a bf (which i already know won't happen) and wanting my work to be pro, but not putting enough effort for it
16. i am a quitter. i always seem to work on a project and leave it halfway because i lost interest in it.
17. i keep thinking my work is good, or isn't that bad, but it really sucks. to the max, like my friend K would say.
18. i say i'm not spoiled, but am i really not?
19. i worry alot, but never do anything to ease my worries.
20. i am ugly. i wished i looked prettier. have bigger eyes, have better skin, have hairless legsarmslipspitsstomach everywhere except on the right parts, be taller, have nicer voice. guess this classifies under vain too. ah well.
21. i care a lot about how my family sees me. the fact that none of them remembered my birthday makes me a little sad, but does it mean that i'm forgettable, the extra daughter they don't need since they have a really smart daughter and son already. the dream team. the dragon phoenix set. i'm just the backup. they get me the stuff i want just to keep to me shut up and quiet. unfortunately i seem to be a noisy brat.
22. i keep thinking that people are plotting against me, talking about me behind my back, stabbing me in the back anytime when i'm not around.
i wish i were more sure of myself. i wish i knew what i was doing. i wish i knew what i want to do for my work. i wish my work was good. i wish for alot of things, but none of them will come true unless i work on it. (see! i predict, but never work on them) i wish i were more content with what i have. that i'd stop wishing for things that will never happen.
after 6 months o_o (part 1- April - June 10)
wow, its really about there, huh, 6 months. i've done a lot of things and did alot of crazy stuff, and grew up alot more, and complained alot more than usual. huh, it seems that as i grow up, i complain more and more, becoming unstatisfied with my life, even though i have alot of things to thank for already. i'll tell most stuff in order, but lazy pics arh. haha! too baad. not like anyone's reading, no?
from my last post, i said that i was going for internship, and it was from april to mid june. it was quite okay, i guess? had quite a lot of fun, drank wine sake and stuff. o_o. anyway, continuing~ lalala~~ haha! XD it so happened that we came in at the time when the company was moving to herderson industrial park, so we (lijuan and i) were the main packers of the entire operation. i feel really sorry to lijuan halfway, because i wasn't there for the last 3 most intese days of packing. i'll talk about why i wasn't there later. and so, we were the main packers, so when there was free time, it was 'go pack the (insert name of area)'. i guess we were lucky that we got enough boxes so that we didn't have to go look for even more. that would have crazy. as if we didn't have enough to do.
as such, we pretty much knew where almost all of the things were and in which box. i did say that we needed to make a list to keep track of how many boxes per area, but oh well, what can you do when your superior says there's no need for that? it was pretty weird, i think, that the interns that were going away in a month's time were the ones who knew where all the things were. most of time, after we moved to the knew place, they would ask us for the place for certain stuff, and we would have to bring them to the place where we stored the stuff. we became 'inventory', literally. well, mostly lijuan, truthfully. i could get most of the stuff, but not all. since we were the ones who also unpacked everything, finding time within all the mess and all the shoots. o_o well. and the boss goes around on other people's fb page telling them they were the 'best ever intern'. and we went to help out on a outdoor shoot on the day JUST before we were supposed to fly to china. wth. whatever. i'm grateful for the things i learned from him, but that doesn't mean i have to like the man, no? and the 2 weeks under the producer, T, was woah man, intense and stressful. looking for weirdo stuff, like lockers and office tables. =_= haha, i tell you it is sooo not an easy job. it was around that period of time where i stopped frequenting FB so that i could curb my itchy fingers from complaining at my job and [maybe] getting sued for defamation. see, media law came in useful. HAHA. they were [mostly] nice people, and i could probably work there again, but i'm not so sure i want to go into this line. then again, i'm never sure about anything long-term. but i'd still like to learn more and understand photography, since i really like it, and want to see if i'm suited for it or not. (almost wrote singlish. haha)
the people there are pretty fun, and are okay. really like abby :) haha, and huixin. the others, i can understand them, but it doesn't mean i have to like them...right? i'm ok-ok with them i guess, as seniors and co-workers. i still feel its weird, calling someone 20 years older than you by their name. i usually add a 'mr' or a 'ms'. call me old fashioned, but i realy think its the proper way to address them, since they are my seniors in life. yeah, i guess that's about it. i respect them as my elders in age and life, but i don't really like-hate them. except in really happy or stressful situations. HA. neutral feelings. =_=
about the part where i had to take leave on the days where packing was most intense, it really was unexpected and unavoidable. well, unavoidable cam after unexpected. the unexpected was my uncle dying. the unavoidable was me having to stay with my grandfather to take care/watch him. i still remember the day it happened. the phone ringing at 8am or so, my dad picking up the phone, and shouts a really 'what!'. hushed tones follow, and he suddenly shouts at us to wake up and the first thing he says to us, is 'er shu just died.' we open our eyes in shock, and get out of bed. i can't really remember what happens after though. after things and people were settled and informed, it occured to me and my parents that i couldn't go down for the funeral, bacause my passport was being processed at the china embassy for the visa, so i couldn't even leave the country. my grandfather had hurt his back the week before it happend, so my uncle and dad insisted that he not go down, for fearing he might hurt his back again. so they arranged it so that i would go down to stay to take care of my granddad for that period of time, which was a wed i think. the moving was that week's ending, so i remember wuite clearly. my whole family left on that day and i returned to an empty house, which was kinda scary. i tols lijuan, and jimmy (boss) what had happened, but i never told the rest of the company, which i just explained as 'family stuff'. which it was, technically. i didn't want to see their pitying and asking 'are you okay'. i think its pretty pointless. hello, someone i knew well DIED, how am i supposed to respond? 'peachy'? bawl and wail? the fact hadn't really sunk in, so i didn't really know how to act. so i didn't say anything.
throughout the 3 days i stayed with my granddad, i felt it was more like he took care of me, i guess. meals and all that, he was the one who went to buy and cook. o_o i know i know, i was lousy. but by the time i woke up, breakfast was already there and became brunch at the same time. i think i thinned down that week, cause i ate like 2 meals a day. also not quite sure what to eat. hmhm. but it seemed to take my grandpa's mind off brooding, which i saw him doing once and tearing up too. like, concentrate on keeping the alive alive, and let the dead go. my uncle said my grandpa looked better after he came back from the funeral. my family stayed for the first 4 days, and my dad throughout the 7 days.i cried when my grandma cried while she talked. partly because i felt so sad for her, and sad for my cousins, and sad for my dead uncle.
even typing this makes me feel depressed again. sigh.
from my last post, i said that i was going for internship, and it was from april to mid june. it was quite okay, i guess? had quite a lot of fun, drank wine sake and stuff. o_o. anyway, continuing~ lalala~~ haha! XD it so happened that we came in at the time when the company was moving to herderson industrial park, so we (lijuan and i) were the main packers of the entire operation. i feel really sorry to lijuan halfway, because i wasn't there for the last 3 most intese days of packing. i'll talk about why i wasn't there later. and so, we were the main packers, so when there was free time, it was 'go pack the (insert name of area)'. i guess we were lucky that we got enough boxes so that we didn't have to go look for even more. that would have crazy. as if we didn't have enough to do.
as such, we pretty much knew where almost all of the things were and in which box. i did say that we needed to make a list to keep track of how many boxes per area, but oh well, what can you do when your superior says there's no need for that? it was pretty weird, i think, that the interns that were going away in a month's time were the ones who knew where all the things were. most of time, after we moved to the knew place, they would ask us for the place for certain stuff, and we would have to bring them to the place where we stored the stuff. we became 'inventory', literally. well, mostly lijuan, truthfully. i could get most of the stuff, but not all. since we were the ones who also unpacked everything, finding time within all the mess and all the shoots. o_o well. and the boss goes around on other people's fb page telling them they were the 'best ever intern'. and we went to help out on a outdoor shoot on the day JUST before we were supposed to fly to china. wth. whatever. i'm grateful for the things i learned from him, but that doesn't mean i have to like the man, no? and the 2 weeks under the producer, T, was woah man, intense and stressful. looking for weirdo stuff, like lockers and office tables. =_= haha, i tell you it is sooo not an easy job. it was around that period of time where i stopped frequenting FB so that i could curb my itchy fingers from complaining at my job and [maybe] getting sued for defamation. see, media law came in useful. HAHA. they were [mostly] nice people, and i could probably work there again, but i'm not so sure i want to go into this line. then again, i'm never sure about anything long-term. but i'd still like to learn more and understand photography, since i really like it, and want to see if i'm suited for it or not. (almost wrote singlish. haha)
the people there are pretty fun, and are okay. really like abby :) haha, and huixin. the others, i can understand them, but it doesn't mean i have to like them...right? i'm ok-ok with them i guess, as seniors and co-workers. i still feel its weird, calling someone 20 years older than you by their name. i usually add a 'mr' or a 'ms'. call me old fashioned, but i realy think its the proper way to address them, since they are my seniors in life. yeah, i guess that's about it. i respect them as my elders in age and life, but i don't really like-hate them. except in really happy or stressful situations. HA. neutral feelings. =_=
about the part where i had to take leave on the days where packing was most intense, it really was unexpected and unavoidable. well, unavoidable cam after unexpected. the unexpected was my uncle dying. the unavoidable was me having to stay with my grandfather to take care/watch him. i still remember the day it happened. the phone ringing at 8am or so, my dad picking up the phone, and shouts a really 'what!'. hushed tones follow, and he suddenly shouts at us to wake up and the first thing he says to us, is 'er shu just died.' we open our eyes in shock, and get out of bed. i can't really remember what happens after though. after things and people were settled and informed, it occured to me and my parents that i couldn't go down for the funeral, bacause my passport was being processed at the china embassy for the visa, so i couldn't even leave the country. my grandfather had hurt his back the week before it happend, so my uncle and dad insisted that he not go down, for fearing he might hurt his back again. so they arranged it so that i would go down to stay to take care of my granddad for that period of time, which was a wed i think. the moving was that week's ending, so i remember wuite clearly. my whole family left on that day and i returned to an empty house, which was kinda scary. i tols lijuan, and jimmy (boss) what had happened, but i never told the rest of the company, which i just explained as 'family stuff'. which it was, technically. i didn't want to see their pitying and asking 'are you okay'. i think its pretty pointless. hello, someone i knew well DIED, how am i supposed to respond? 'peachy'? bawl and wail? the fact hadn't really sunk in, so i didn't really know how to act. so i didn't say anything.
throughout the 3 days i stayed with my granddad, i felt it was more like he took care of me, i guess. meals and all that, he was the one who went to buy and cook. o_o i know i know, i was lousy. but by the time i woke up, breakfast was already there and became brunch at the same time. i think i thinned down that week, cause i ate like 2 meals a day. also not quite sure what to eat. hmhm. but it seemed to take my grandpa's mind off brooding, which i saw him doing once and tearing up too. like, concentrate on keeping the alive alive, and let the dead go. my uncle said my grandpa looked better after he came back from the funeral. my family stayed for the first 4 days, and my dad throughout the 7 days.i cried when my grandma cried while she talked. partly because i felt so sad for her, and sad for my cousins, and sad for my dead uncle.
even typing this makes me feel depressed again. sigh.
Monday, March 1, 2010
1st day of work
not quite sure if i've updated for this yaer, but yeah, whatever.
right now i've finished year 2, almost. all that's left is internship. which is okay, so far, i guess. i mean, its my 1st day after all, so i can't really say. we mostly helped out for the packing and moving for the moving to the new studio. i can safely say we'll become 'por'fessionals soon :)
haha, not that i'm complaining. it's nice to do such things, esp. if i can help out in anyway. but there was a bit i was afraid i was coming across as. like, smug or complacent. D: because it really was the place i stayed, so it really was my turf. and i did work there previously. i just hope they don't think i'm showing off or somthing like that. ): i really was trying to help them by going to one of my old working places to get the boxes.since the old place was a stocking company, and it all that paper and all, i thought they might have what we need, which was boxes.sigh..kinda tired.
hopefully my intern will go smoothly. the person i'm working under, theresa, for now seems quite...scary D: production is gonna be a killer, since i'm not the kind to talk very well. :(
pray for me?
right now i've finished year 2, almost. all that's left is internship. which is okay, so far, i guess. i mean, its my 1st day after all, so i can't really say. we mostly helped out for the packing and moving for the moving to the new studio. i can safely say we'll become 'por'fessionals soon :)
haha, not that i'm complaining. it's nice to do such things, esp. if i can help out in anyway. but there was a bit i was afraid i was coming across as. like, smug or complacent. D: because it really was the place i stayed, so it really was my turf. and i did work there previously. i just hope they don't think i'm showing off or somthing like that. ): i really was trying to help them by going to one of my old working places to get the boxes.since the old place was a stocking company, and it all that paper and all, i thought they might have what we need, which was boxes.sigh..kinda tired.
hopefully my intern will go smoothly. the person i'm working under, theresa, for now seems quite...scary D: production is gonna be a killer, since i'm not the kind to talk very well. :(
pray for me?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
whirlwind-of-thoughts
not sure if it's cause of the song, but i keep crying. while reading the manga, of course.
ifeelsoscared,itwon'tgoaway,thefearofdoingsomethingwrong,thefearofsomeonehatingme,havingtowatchwhatthepeoplearoundmewant. watchtheiremotions,keepinghavingtosecondguesstheirthoughts,havetoactthewaytheywantmetobe,theyexpectmetobe. i'mtiredtonotreachingexpectations,i'mtiredofbeingscaredoffailing,itiredofhavingtohavetodependondomeoneelse,andistillhaveto. its like a drug, so addictive i can't ever let go of it.
its these times that i feel like i'm 7 again.
ifeelsoscared,itwon'tgoaway,thefearofdoingsomethingwrong,thefearofsomeonehatingme,havingtowatchwhatthepeoplearoundmewant. watchtheiremotions,keepinghavingtosecondguesstheirthoughts,havetoactthewaytheywantmetobe,theyexpectmetobe. i'mtiredtonotreachingexpectations,i'mtiredofbeingscaredoffailing,itiredofhavingtohavetodependondomeoneelse,andistillhaveto. its like a drug, so addictive i can't ever let go of it.
its these times that i feel like i'm 7 again.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
so addictive, craving something you can't have
haha, don't be so alarmed when you see the post name. i'm not into drugs, really.
i wonder sometimes if it would be better to have something to crave, to think about all the time. love sometimes can be so consuming, you don't where it starts or ends. it never seems to stop, yet it keeps dragging you away from where you are. i know this sounds like i've got 'someone', but trust me, i don't.
i wish i really was addicted to something tangible, instead of being obssesed with something i can never have and it doesn't really exsist in a physical form. rather then saying that it doesn't, it actually does. but to me, it became etheral, unreal, so far from my reach that it became something non-physical. everytime i look into the mirror, i'm reminded of this fact.
something my mom said to me has stayed in my head for quite sometime. its something my sis has said to me too, i think. i can't get over it. it goes round and round and round, and pushes me to do it even though i'm repulsed by my own feelings.
but i want it so bad, so badly that i'd die for it. i think. not quite sure. that's the bad thing about being in a sensible household and being raised up straight and reading too many books. you know exactly what you're doing and the reprecussions. and all the people who are in much more hopeless situations, and here you are wasting your life away.
it's interesting actually, to see how far i can push my crazy thoughts, how wound up i can get. it's almost like cutting one's wrists. the craving to feel some pain to distract the one you feel inside, something to teether yourself to sanity, while pushing it all the same. to see yourself bleed, to see that blood red drop against the black white gray of your world that you are thinking you are in.
btw, i think that people who cut their wrists are really irritating. they think they are in the centre of the world, only they are feeling troubled and all the pain in the world. wake up, geez.
this is such a nonsensical post. gosh...wish i was some bimbo that gets herself lost in idol dramas and crazy idol-worshipping.
i wonder sometimes if it would be better to have something to crave, to think about all the time. love sometimes can be so consuming, you don't where it starts or ends. it never seems to stop, yet it keeps dragging you away from where you are. i know this sounds like i've got 'someone', but trust me, i don't.
i wish i really was addicted to something tangible, instead of being obssesed with something i can never have and it doesn't really exsist in a physical form. rather then saying that it doesn't, it actually does. but to me, it became etheral, unreal, so far from my reach that it became something non-physical. everytime i look into the mirror, i'm reminded of this fact.
something my mom said to me has stayed in my head for quite sometime. its something my sis has said to me too, i think. i can't get over it. it goes round and round and round, and pushes me to do it even though i'm repulsed by my own feelings.
but i want it so bad, so badly that i'd die for it. i think. not quite sure. that's the bad thing about being in a sensible household and being raised up straight and reading too many books. you know exactly what you're doing and the reprecussions. and all the people who are in much more hopeless situations, and here you are wasting your life away.
it's interesting actually, to see how far i can push my crazy thoughts, how wound up i can get. it's almost like cutting one's wrists. the craving to feel some pain to distract the one you feel inside, something to teether yourself to sanity, while pushing it all the same. to see yourself bleed, to see that blood red drop against the black white gray of your world that you are thinking you are in.
btw, i think that people who cut their wrists are really irritating. they think they are in the centre of the world, only they are feeling troubled and all the pain in the world. wake up, geez.
this is such a nonsensical post. gosh...wish i was some bimbo that gets herself lost in idol dramas and crazy idol-worshipping.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
confused..
heeyy..to no one? :D
its been very long since i've updated..i can't recount everything, so i'll just put up some that i remember.
- recently went to eat dinner with my aunt's family from myanmar, and we went downstairs to eat at yishun. it was on a sun, so there was a hk drama showing that my granpa loooved to watch. so much so when we got down and on the 2nd time, found a nice airy table, he refused to move from the inital table we found. super embarassing...=_='' why? cause it was facing the tv...
- went to eat dinner last week to celebrate my bro and sis's birthday. nice seafood :D too bad i'm allergic to most..ha. since most are the shell-fish kind, like crab.
- got veryvery sick during the days which were the most crucial to finish my metro artwork. ARGH! was super irritated..somemore i stayed up the night when i knew i was going to fall sick. and still ploughed on to finish the stupid work during the fever. had the full course: which consists of 5 'dishes' - runny nose, cold, cough, fever, headache. ahh, what more could i ask for? hmph!
- got a loooovley 'F' grade ;D for vaf. yessss! something i always wanted.
i prefer bring sarcastic. would they rather prefer that i speak and shoot bullets instead of barbs? i'm SICK and TIRED saying nice things when i DON'T feel like it. especially if that thing is so horrible and they expect it to be nice. i don't want to. since they can do whatever they want, i don't see why i can't. just because they want people to act they want them to, should i beg and grovel? so double standards.
- ...my english got commented on D: bad grammer. sigh...ever since i got into poly, my grammer is getting worse. not that i really knew how to correct it all the time. i can catch some of my mistakes at times, not all. oh well..
- been feeling guilty at the birthday cards thing...argh..i haven't even done the september kids ones! 4 mths!! o_o die...will they mind if i do so late?....
- got a nice artbook :) from basheer graphics bookstore. thanks to the 50 dollar voucher (hee!), can get a nice book. but there's this nagging feeling that i saw the book on discount during the december period..can't remember if it was cheaper..arghh..
- might be going to dalian. in that period, apparently we have 3 days to go to beijing. want to go visit biss and my friends who are still there. hopefully. haha. but dunno if that time is hols anot..and will the guards let me in?...don't know if they have changed new guards or the old ones forgot me..but most importantly is if we have our own free time during those 3 days to go around.... and i'm not sure which 'huan' we'll be in..might cost alot to get there and back..haha.
that's it for now, i guess..
its been very long since i've updated..i can't recount everything, so i'll just put up some that i remember.
- recently went to eat dinner with my aunt's family from myanmar, and we went downstairs to eat at yishun. it was on a sun, so there was a hk drama showing that my granpa loooved to watch. so much so when we got down and on the 2nd time, found a nice airy table, he refused to move from the inital table we found. super embarassing...=_='' why? cause it was facing the tv...
- went to eat dinner last week to celebrate my bro and sis's birthday. nice seafood :D too bad i'm allergic to most..ha. since most are the shell-fish kind, like crab.
- got veryvery sick during the days which were the most crucial to finish my metro artwork. ARGH! was super irritated..somemore i stayed up the night when i knew i was going to fall sick. and still ploughed on to finish the stupid work during the fever. had the full course: which consists of 5 'dishes' - runny nose, cold, cough, fever, headache. ahh, what more could i ask for? hmph!
- got a loooovley 'F' grade ;D for vaf. yessss! something i always wanted.
i prefer bring sarcastic. would they rather prefer that i speak and shoot bullets instead of barbs? i'm SICK and TIRED saying nice things when i DON'T feel like it. especially if that thing is so horrible and they expect it to be nice. i don't want to. since they can do whatever they want, i don't see why i can't. just because they want people to act they want them to, should i beg and grovel? so double standards.
- ...my english got commented on D: bad grammer. sigh...ever since i got into poly, my grammer is getting worse. not that i really knew how to correct it all the time. i can catch some of my mistakes at times, not all. oh well..
- been feeling guilty at the birthday cards thing...argh..i haven't even done the september kids ones! 4 mths!! o_o die...will they mind if i do so late?....
- got a nice artbook :) from basheer graphics bookstore. thanks to the 50 dollar voucher (hee!), can get a nice book. but there's this nagging feeling that i saw the book on discount during the december period..can't remember if it was cheaper..arghh..
- might be going to dalian. in that period, apparently we have 3 days to go to beijing. want to go visit biss and my friends who are still there. hopefully. haha. but dunno if that time is hols anot..and will the guards let me in?...don't know if they have changed new guards or the old ones forgot me..but most importantly is if we have our own free time during those 3 days to go around.... and i'm not sure which 'huan' we'll be in..might cost alot to get there and back..haha.
that's it for now, i guess..
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