o_o

Outside of school

2011-04-13T08:05:00.000+08:00

hello~ i'm back? haha, after leaving this blog for like, what, half a year? so i'll try to fill up/summarize what when on in my life during the missing 'online' months..

i had my fyp, had my portfolio done, went for interviews, did the gradshow, had a alot of nice meetings with close friends, tried my hand cosplaying (i sucked, big time), maaaajor dramas darlings, gossip-kind; and loads of late nights and growing up; spending tons of money too =_= oh, and got 2 cameras! hahaha! a dslr and a polaroid :) thank you mommy daddy :D for the dslr~ hehe

It feels unreal? to have graudated and to be going on 20.

to a certain extent, i can't even believe i graduated. before the gradshow, quite alot of us were sort of sighing and hoping that it would end soon. 'cause gradshow this year had alot of components that we couldn't control, and we reallly didn't like that. like the fact that we had zero sponsors (i have totally no idea who's problem that is though...? hm?) and i feel really grateful to the people who really worked their asses and eyes off this gradshow. without them we couldn't have made it through :D so, a reeeally big thanks to you guys~ :"D it might sound a little fake? but i really do appreciate their effort.
i really did try to help out also, so that i would be useful. but i think i might not have been that helpful T_T that's the worse feeling for me :( just hoped they understood... i mean, i want to help! but its like, i don't know how to do the BIG stuff and can only offer the small services like cleaning and resizing photos, checking through the books...and there's always the part that's scared that i'll do it wrong and they'll have to put in extra time to re-do it. which i totally think that might have been the problem. there were alot of UGHHHH stuff because of people and management problems, and still, i still don't like those people. hahaha. think that they were pretty undeserving to even be where they were in the book, because they were no help and rather more of a hindrance to the work progress. oh weellll, 'life's unfair'. D:
went to the TP gradshow too, and they were waaay better than us in eeevery aspect. i guess the only thing we can upstage them on is our commercial-bility. as in, we don't think that artistically, but more rationally, to give what the clients want, instead of being more concerned about the whole 'concept and art-visual understanding in one look'. well, not all of us i guess? hah...

fyp sucked big time. i'd still like to thank my teacher though! ahaha! poor lecturer who suffered because of me, also my poor group! haha! i can still remember the first thing we'd say to each other in class when we see each other is "have you done anything anot?!!" usually the reply would be "no eh!!?? you leh?" or "yeah, got a bit lah" HAHAH! *sigh* missing those days now. rather, i'm missing the times that i got to meet with my classmates, rather than the actual work. but right now, i'm still glad i got through it :D and got an okay grade for it! another thing was that i spent a pretty amount of $$ during this period of time =_= haha..
my teacher was also my portfolio advisor, and i still feel really sorry to him! >< for not being able to shoot 'Commercial Daily' with my classmate..haha. but hopefully we'll get down to it someday >D

more updates soon...along with some thoughtful comments (feel brainless right now..haha)

lost -complaining time! @_@-

2010-09-20T04:34:00.000+08:00

haven't really posted here in a long time, even though there are things that i literally threw a tantrum over.
mainly i think this post will be to clear out my doubts and scold myself more. yay *deadpanned*

i really don't know what i want. it feels like o levels all over again. once o lvls were done, i had no idea where i wanted to go, no idea where i wanted to go in the future. i wasn't the kind of person to plan way waay ahead, like in 10 20 years time i would be doing such and such. nope, no way am i'm that kinda person. i'm more of the kind to anticipate problems and worry alot about them. my teacher, mr L was right. i think about the problem, i aniticipate problems, but i don't bloody do ANYTHING. he said i was afraid to start and facing the problem, so by not even starting, i had the instinct in the back of my head that no probem would happen. well, that's more of an instinct kind of thing, so i'm trying to curb that.
so when my parents bought me (shock) me that riduclously (even i admit it, yes. i am NOT a spoilt brat. i hope. right?) expensive dlsr, i was still in doubt as to whether i should have even bought it. i know i know, you're gonna say 'you ALREADY bought it, so why are you STILL thinking about it??!' but that's me i guess. always worrying about spilt milk. almost to the point of obssesion. ah well.
i really want to try photog, but i'm still not sure that i will go that route. it pressureizes me and makes me wonder if i made the right decision to going to this course, to wanting to go to dalian, for wanting to go to japan. am i doing the right thing? will it all be just a waste of money to send me to this ridiculously expensive course. i'm the dumbest in the family, yet i think my parents' spent the most on my education as compared to yuen's and han's. i'm afraid i can't repay them, that i'll be just a disappointment to my mom, my dad. these days i've been thinking if i've been making the right choices, if i'm a good child, a good person, a person who makes the right decisions. a SANE and RATIONAL person. not a sentimental nitwit who spends money on stuff that seem to be not useful at all.
i tried looking for work, but can't seem to find any at all. its either the ad in the papers don't describe the job in detail or don't give the pay rate. it forces me to call in to ask more, which i HATE doing. i really, REALLY hate that. i swear, its a phone phobia of some sort. i don't really talk to strangers well, because i lose my head once i start talking. -_- i know, it sounds drastic. well, it might be a little exaggerated, but hey, where's the life in trying to play down everything? lalala

i know, i try to avoid problems. so i'll just state them all out, bare and very clearly. to disgust myself. (feel like some sort of masochist. haha. and its only a day after my bday. what a day to celebrate my 19th's 1st day huh)
1. i am a slacker. i look for short cuts. i'm not as hardworking as i would like to be/claim to be.
2. i ony work hard for things i like. i ignore the rest.
3. i am vain. or so my mother makes me feel so.
4. i dream too much. idealist, not realist. not soo good in this world.
5. i almost always turn up late for meetings. i say sorry, but i still do it. guess i'm a hypocrite too huh. say only never do. all talk no action.
6. i can't say seriously say sorry. i just can't. is it a pride problem? hmmm. i can feel it, but i just can't say it out loud.
7. do i make myself sound bad so that i can hear other people say that i'm better? there was a word for this sort of condition, but i can't remember the word. hmm. and i can't find the word online either D:
8. i break promises most of the time. that is why when someone asks me to promise them something, i really get this 'ugh' feeling. then i always feel guilty when i never live up to their expectation.
9. i am obsessed with how i appear to others, how others think of me, how i look. guess it counts as vanity too?
10. i have only used excuses to not turn up when i really don't feel well. does this count?
11. i want alot, but i can't give back alot. again the realist vs the idealist.
12. i seem to be going out alot even when i have more important things to do. and when i have little money.
13. i seem to be saving, but i'm spending alot.
14. i lie. not huge ones, but still, ones that will come back and bite me in my karma. or so my ma says.
15. i can't focus. i put my priorities in all the wrong places. like wanting a bf (which i already know won't happen) and wanting my work to be pro, but not putting enough effort for it
16. i am a quitter. i always seem to work on a project and leave it halfway because i lost interest in it.
17. i keep thinking my work is good, or isn't that bad, but it really sucks. to the max, like my friend K would say.
18. i say i'm not spoiled, but am i really not?
19. i worry alot, but never do anything to ease my worries.
20. i am ugly. i wished i looked prettier. have bigger eyes, have better skin, have hairless legsarmslipspitsstomach everywhere except on the right parts, be taller, have nicer voice. guess this classifies under vain too. ah well.
21. i care a lot about how my family sees me. the fact that none of them remembered my birthday makes me a little sad, but does it mean that i'm forgettable, the extra daughter they don't need since they have a really smart daughter and son already. the dream team. the dragon phoenix set. i'm just the backup. they get me the stuff i want just to keep to me shut up and quiet. unfortunately i seem to be a noisy brat.
22. i keep thinking that people are plotting against me, talking about me behind my back, stabbing me in the back anytime when i'm not around.

i wish i were more sure of myself. i wish i knew what i was doing. i wish i knew what i want to do for my work. i wish my work was good. i wish for alot of things, but none of them will come true unless i work on it. (see! i predict, but never work on them) i wish i were more content with what i have. that i'd stop wishing for things that will never happen.

after 6 months o_o (part 1- April - June 10)

2010-09-20T01:11:00.001+08:00

wow, its really about there, huh, 6 months. i've done a lot of things and did alot of crazy stuff, and grew up alot more, and complained alot more than usual. huh, it seems that as i grow up, i complain more and more, becoming unstatisfied with my life, even though i have alot of things to thank for already. i'll tell most stuff in order, but lazy pics arh. haha! too baad. not like anyone's reading, no?

from my last post, i said that i was going for internship, and it was from april to mid june. it was quite okay, i guess? had quite a lot of fun, drank wine sake and stuff. o_o. anyway, continuing~ lalala~~ haha! XD it so happened that we came in at the time when the company was moving to herderson industrial park, so we (lijuan and i) were the main packers of the entire operation. i feel really sorry to lijuan halfway, because i wasn't there for the last 3 most intese days of packing. i'll talk about why i wasn't there later. and so, we were the main packers, so when there was free time, it was 'go pack the (insert name of area)'. i guess we were lucky that we got enough boxes so that we didn't have to go look for even more. that would have crazy. as if we didn't have enough to do.
as such, we pretty much knew where almost all of the things were and in which box. i did say that we needed to make a list to keep track of how many boxes per area, but oh well, what can you do when your superior says there's no need for that? it was pretty weird, i think, that the interns that were going away in a month's time were the ones who knew where all the things were. most of time, after we moved to the knew place, they would ask us for the place for certain stuff, and we would have to bring them to the place where we stored the stuff. we became 'inventory', literally. well, mostly lijuan, truthfully. i could get most of the stuff, but not all. since we were the ones who also unpacked everything, finding time within all the mess and all the shoots. o_o well. and the boss goes around on other people's fb page telling them they were the 'best ever intern'. and we went to help out on a outdoor shoot on the day JUST before we were supposed to fly to china. wth. whatever. i'm grateful for the things i learned from him, but that doesn't mean i have to like the man, no? and the 2 weeks under the producer, T, was woah man, intense and stressful. looking for weirdo stuff, like lockers and office tables. =_= haha, i tell you it is sooo not an easy job. it was around that period of time where i stopped frequenting FB so that i could curb my itchy fingers from complaining at my job and [maybe] getting sued for defamation. see, media law came in useful. HAHA. they were [mostly] nice people, and i could probably work there again, but i'm not so sure i want to go into this line. then again, i'm never sure about anything long-term. but i'd still like to learn more and understand photography, since i really like it, and want to see if i'm suited for it or not. (almost wrote singlish. haha)
the people there are pretty fun, and are okay. really like abby :) haha, and huixin. the others, i can understand them, but it doesn't mean i have to like them...right? i'm ok-ok with them i guess, as seniors and co-workers. i still feel its weird, calling someone 20 years older than you by their name. i usually add a 'mr' or a 'ms'. call me old fashioned, but i realy think its the proper way to address them, since they are my seniors in life. yeah, i guess that's about it. i respect them as my elders in age and life, but i don't really like-hate them. except in really happy or stressful situations. HA. neutral feelings. =_=

about the part where i had to take leave on the days where packing was most intense, it really was unexpected and unavoidable. well, unavoidable cam after unexpected. the unexpected was my uncle dying. the unavoidable was me having to stay with my grandfather to take care/watch him. i still remember the day it happened. the phone ringing at 8am or so, my dad picking up the phone, and shouts a really 'what!'. hushed tones follow, and he suddenly shouts at us to wake up and the first thing he says to us, is 'er shu just died.' we open our eyes in shock, and get out of bed. i can't really remember what happens after though. after things and people were settled and informed, it occured to me and my parents that i couldn't go down for the funeral, bacause my passport was being processed at the china embassy for the visa, so i couldn't even leave the country. my grandfather had hurt his back the week before it happend, so my uncle and dad insisted that he not go down, for fearing he might hurt his back again. so they arranged it so that i would go down to stay to take care of my granddad for that period of time, which was a wed i think. the moving was that week's ending, so i remember wuite clearly. my whole family left on that day and i returned to an empty house, which was kinda scary. i tols lijuan, and jimmy (boss) what had happened, but i never told the rest of the company, which i just explained as 'family stuff'. which it was, technically. i didn't want to see their pitying and asking 'are you okay'. i think its pretty pointless. hello, someone i knew well DIED, how am i supposed to respond? 'peachy'? bawl and wail? the fact hadn't really sunk in, so i didn't really know how to act. so i didn't say anything.
throughout the 3 days i stayed with my granddad, i felt it was more like he took care of me, i guess. meals and all that, he was the one who went to buy and cook. o_o i know i know, i was lousy. but by the time i woke up, breakfast was already there and became brunch at the same time. i think i thinned down that week, cause i ate like 2 meals a day. also not quite sure what to eat. hmhm. but it seemed to take my grandpa's mind off brooding, which i saw him doing once and tearing up too. like, concentrate on keeping the alive alive, and let the dead go. my uncle said my grandpa looked better after he came back from the funeral. my family stayed for the first 4 days, and my dad throughout the 7 days.i cried when my grandma cried while she talked. partly because i felt so sad for her, and sad for my cousins, and sad for my dead uncle.

even typing this makes me feel depressed again. sigh.

1st day of work

2010-03-01T23:37:00.000+08:00

not quite sure if i've updated for this yaer, but yeah, whatever.
right now i've finished year 2, almost. all that's left is internship. which is okay, so far, i guess. i mean, its my 1st day after all, so i can't really say. we mostly helped out for the packing and moving for the moving to the new studio. i can safely say we'll become 'por'fessionals soon :)
haha, not that i'm complaining. it's nice to do such things, esp. if i can help out in anyway. but there was a bit i was afraid i was coming across as. like, smug or complacent. D: because it really was the place i stayed, so it really was my turf. and i did work there previously. i just hope they don't think i'm showing off or somthing like that. ): i really was trying to help them by going to one of my old working places to get the boxes.since the old place was a stocking company, and it all that paper and all, i thought they might have what we need, which was boxes.sigh..kinda tired.
hopefully my intern will go smoothly. the person i'm working under, theresa, for now seems quite...scary D: production is gonna be a killer, since i'm not the kind to talk very well. :(
pray for me?

whirlwind-of-thoughts

2010-02-11T03:45:00.000+08:00

not sure if it's cause of the song, but i keep crying. while reading the manga, of course.
ifeelsoscared,itwon'tgoaway,thefearofdoingsomethingwrong,thefearofsomeonehatingme,havingtowatchwhatthepeoplearoundmewant. watchtheiremotions,keepinghavingtosecondguesstheirthoughts,havetoactthewaytheywantmetobe,theyexpectmetobe. i'mtiredtonotreachingexpectations,i'mtiredofbeingscaredoffailing,itiredofhavingtohavetodependondomeoneelse,andistillhaveto. its like a drug, so addictive i can't ever let go of it.
its these times that i feel like i'm 7 again.

so addictive, craving something you can't have

2010-01-24T04:44:00.000+08:00

haha, don't be so alarmed when you see the post name. i'm not into drugs, really.

i wonder sometimes if it would be better to have something to crave, to think about all the time. love sometimes can be so consuming, you don't where it starts or ends. it never seems to stop, yet it keeps dragging you away from where you are. i know this sounds like i've got 'someone', but trust me, i don't.

i wish i really was addicted to something tangible, instead of being obssesed with something i can never have and it doesn't really exsist in a physical form. rather then saying that it doesn't, it actually does. but to me, it became etheral, unreal, so far from my reach that it became something non-physical. everytime i look into the mirror, i'm reminded of this fact.
something my mom said to me has stayed in my head for quite sometime. its something my sis has said to me too, i think. i can't get over it. it goes round and round and round, and pushes me to do it even though i'm repulsed by my own feelings.
but i want it so bad, so badly that i'd die for it. i think. not quite sure. that's the bad thing about being in a sensible household and being raised up straight and reading too many books. you know exactly what you're doing and the reprecussions. and all the people who are in much more hopeless situations, and here you are wasting your life away.

it's interesting actually, to see how far i can push my crazy thoughts, how wound up i can get. it's almost like cutting one's wrists. the craving to feel some pain to distract the one you feel inside, something to teether yourself to sanity, while pushing it all the same. to see yourself bleed, to see that blood red drop against the black white gray of your world that you are thinking you are in.

btw, i think that people who cut their wrists are really irritating. they think they are in the centre of the world, only they are feeling troubled and all the pain in the world. wake up, geez.

this is such a nonsensical post. gosh...wish i was some bimbo that gets herself lost in idol dramas and crazy idol-worshipping.

confused..

2010-01-21T00:46:00.000+08:00

heeyy..to no one? :D
its been very long since i've updated..i can't recount everything, so i'll just put up some that i remember.
- recently went to eat dinner with my aunt's family from myanmar, and we went downstairs to eat at yishun. it was on a sun, so there was a hk drama showing that my granpa loooved to watch. so much so when we got down and on the 2nd time, found a nice airy table, he refused to move from the inital table we found. super embarassing...=_='' why? cause it was facing the tv...
- went to eat dinner last week to celebrate my bro and sis's birthday. nice seafood :D too bad i'm allergic to most..ha. since most are the shell-fish kind, like crab.
- got veryvery sick during the days which were the most crucial to finish my metro artwork. ARGH! was super irritated..somemore i stayed up the night when i knew i was going to fall sick. and still ploughed on to finish the stupid work during the fever. had the full course: which consists of 5 'dishes' - runny nose, cold, cough, fever, headache. ahh, what more could i ask for? hmph!
- got a loooovley 'F' grade ;D for vaf. yessss! something i always wanted.
i prefer bring sarcastic. would they rather prefer that i speak and shoot bullets instead of barbs? i'm SICK and TIRED saying nice things when i DON'T feel like it. especially if that thing is so horrible and they expect it to be nice. i don't want to. since they can do whatever they want, i don't see why i can't. just because they want people to act they want them to, should i beg and grovel? so double standards.
- ...my english got commented on D: bad grammer. sigh...ever since i got into poly, my grammer is getting worse. not that i really knew how to correct it all the time. i can catch some of my mistakes at times, not all. oh well..
- been feeling guilty at the birthday cards thing...argh..i haven't even done the september kids ones! 4 mths!! o_o die...will they mind if i do so late?....
- got a nice artbook :) from basheer graphics bookstore. thanks to the 50 dollar voucher (hee!), can get a nice book. but there's this nagging feeling that i saw the book on discount during the december period..can't remember if it was cheaper..arghh..
- might be going to dalian. in that period, apparently we have 3 days to go to beijing. want to go visit biss and my friends who are still there. hopefully. haha. but dunno if that time is hols anot..and will the guards let me in?...don't know if they have changed new guards or the old ones forgot me..but most importantly is if we have our own free time during those 3 days to go around.... and i'm not sure which 'huan' we'll be in..might cost alot to get there and back..haha.

that's it for now, i guess..

new start. sort of anyway

2009-12-06T01:54:00.000+08:00

finally, my packaging has ended. but with an end gives a start. which means a start to (stupid) new project - advertising! whoop-de-doo. i am sooo excited. and there's no need to wait. ha. it was instant man, totally. even before the packaging was finished, we were already 'warned' about it. talk about being ready early huh.

anyway, to give a heads up, i just might be staying in year 2 for another year! yay! so g'luck to y'all folks out there!
everytime i think about this i get really cranky and super uber sarcastic. which makes me a mean friend. i'm not sure if i want to apologise for that. that's who i am. i think. mostly i think i'm a lazy scaredy cat. not gonna give any reason/excuse, cause it will make it like i'm trying to give excuse, which i'm trying to prevent it from sounding like it. oh well.

trying hard to focus on finishing up my stuff, like the ITP letter (get it sent! argh!) and finishing up my video for class. which i really have no idea why we are taking, because i can only see some us doing it, and the rest letting the information rot and trickle out of their heads. argh, focus! (see, this is what i do all the time. follow the flow of topic like water flows away into different places. ah well) hmm, what else do i have... ah, doing up more taglines for METRO ads. gah. i don't see myself going into copywriting, even though my english is not so sing-lish-fied.

another reason why i'm distracted is cause of my lovely lovely books! argh, found lots of books that i wanted to read, or i have already read the previous collection so i'm following up with the latest installment. dieee...

lately have been quite moody..muu. partly because i found out my voice is more pitchy then i thought. ugh! i can't stand high pitch voices. don't get me wrong, i generally dislike them, but i know there are some nice high voices around. i just haven't heard one yet. mine is so...ugh. like i said, pitchy. its the kind if i'm not careful i'll sound whiney even whne i don't want it to.
found out through our filming for the video, because (obviously) there are some (behind the) scenes where i'm talking and the other people's voices sound like they do outside the video, so i'm assuming mine is like that too. ARGHH! D: don't like high pitch voice D:
don't know if i've mentioned it(i've been having STM for the past 2 years..baaad, really bad), about the filming for video class, i'm the main character in the vid. bleh. trust me, i don't want to. but i don't want to be the person who refuses to do something and hold up the whole production (here my sis will go 'you think you are so li hai meh? can make people wait for you?) and that's the main hold up (i think?) and reluctance for editing the video. because editing will require me to see myself over and over and over again, in order for me to edit what i want. which means i have to watch my horrigible acting skills and curse myself for being a lousy actress and being ugly and all kinds of random stuff running through my head. bleh.

guess i'll stop here. updates will (hopefully) pick up from now on...

Korea and Politics (really old post...forgot to post it. heh)

2009-12-06T01:37:00.000+08:00

korea trip coming soon! :D soo happy! i've always wanted to travel, but never had the chance too. so many new things and stuffs to see and explore. bet i'll look like a kiasu tourist. haha

but frankly, i'm a bit apprehensive about going. firstly because of language barrier. i can't speak korean for nuts, and i've been trying. +_+ the other reason is cause of class? sort of, in a way.

i won't recount the whole tale, but just give a short explanation of what happened. there was a, um, a bit of hoohah over the grouping because it was sort of messed up by some. what i'd like to say, is i don't really need or have to have it to be a class thing. i am okay with interchanging class. it was sort of in the heat/moment, that i said i wanted it to more of a class bonding thing. now the way i see it, it seems more like a class splitting thing.

what i wanted was to be in a group with people i KNOW and FEEL comfortable with. with the group they were 'planning' to 'trade' me for, there was only one person i was comfotable with, and the other 2 was..ok? there was one i'd rather not interact as much as possible (there's nothing wrong with her. i just feel that my personality won't go well with her...and i don't want fights to start and feel unhappy. i'm short fused. =_=) the fella won't even acknowledge me, but i'm not sure if it's just me being paranoid or what...i admit, i was wrong to say that i wanted it as a class thing. i DO get the whole thing about she has no group, and needs a group, and our class is better with her. i really DO get it. but STILL! the way she said it, and she never even discussed it beforehand. it was like, totally agreed that I would WANT to go over!! D: she MISCALCULATED. BIG TIME. she thought i was going to say "oh ok anything will do! even if i am in TOTALLY unknown company, its OKAY! cause I have to suit YOUR needs!" she didn't even consider MY point of view! (okay, that totally sound narssistic) i mean, yeah i get it, she wants HER group to be in a group. SHE doesn't have to CARE about others; after all it's a dog eat dog world, where first come first served. but would it kill her to think about others for a second??! if she wants a fight, she'll get one! i won't back down without a fight.

what i'm angry about is that she didn't consult me. it makes me feel that their group went and discussed it and decided on the groupings already, while not informing us of their decision. i don't mean that we have to take part in the decision making. at least run it by us and see what we have to say, right? now this makes me paranoid, thinking that they are talking bad behind my back. its this feeling all over again. ]:|

AND after all that trouble, the teachers have to go off and say " oh, now we group you into pairs". WHAT THE???!! after all that stupid business of sorting out who went with who, you come and tell us that we're in PAIRS NOW?? i mean, i'm okay with the pairing. i just feel that my partner would....i dunno, feel better with another person who gets her.its a HAPPY event, i DON'T want to go there with feelings that i have to be on guard and watch what i say, do, treat that girl.urgh. i mean, not my partner, its the other girl i'm referring to. i saw the other groupings, and i felt a little..guilty? it doesn't seem like a comfortable pairing for quite a few, and maybe it's cause of me? (here is where my sis will come and say 'you think you so li hai meh? that everyone adjust just because of you meh?? please la!' i guess in a way, its a comfort.)

so i'd like to re-itereate and clarify. i don't HAVE to have it as class thingy. i just want to be with a group or person who is comfortable with me and me comfotable with them. kapish? i think i said it that time cause i didn't want to be with a group who wouldn't like me at all. :(

angry...

2009-12-02T02:54:00.000+08:00

i don't know what the FREAK am i doing....
even after submitting (LATE) the damn freaky assignment, i am staying up. for what? video.
do i like it in the first place? NO. so why the HELL am i up at 3 am in the freaky MORNING doing it?
............
......
...
..

i really have no idea.

i think i'm so very close to losing it. but hey, can't it be so easy to lose it?

why am i complaining? when i have an education, food, clothes and things i could i ever want? so ungrateful, selfish, whiney. urgh.
i HATE myself. 120% doesn't cover it. maybe 200%
so scared my body will break down..like my liver, or kidney, or my eyes. but what can i do? don't do my work? i wish i had the strength to cry, but i don't...but i don't want to at the same time. it means i'm weak, and i don't want to be weak.

its not an option. its a requirement. to be strong.

TT_TT

2009-11-23T07:37:00.000+08:00

so tired...T_T if i knew how to put emoticons, i'd put some on..haha.
these few days quite hectic, yet, its also slow. now that my mom's gone her europe tour (note the heavy sarcastic tone), its up to me and my sis to do the house chores. so my day usually goes like this: plan when to on the washing machine, hang clothes, go to school, come home from school to cope with my over caring grandma, who thinks we need to eat every 2 hours (my sis said "oh no, she's coming tml", and it makes her sound a monster. haha), bathe, start on hmk, fall "dead", wake up to do packaging/get distracted along the way. note that i didn't add sleep inside. hee, cos i'm not planning to sleep this week until packaging is over and need to start on vma too...urgh. ah, need to borrow camera. and need to cook the noodles.
what i've been doing over the weekend isn't very productive... both mornings i need to go the centre with my dad, to open and do the admin stuff. which means, half the time, i'm not doing my work. and i got distracted with solitare. =_=
sunday, i went to afa (though i know i shouldn't have went), and saw alots of nice stuff. the best i think was the gundam cosplay. so cool! he was much improved as compared to last year, and we were watching him and his crew assemble the suit on him. the improvements were that he was a bit more mobile (get it? mobile suit gundam. hahaha! :D) and added abit more bling on his suit. the crowd surrounding him was astounding, and kept pressing closer and closer and closer. poor guy. saw a nice miku cosplay, and a few..err, weird ones too. the loli-s were nice too. especially the goth lolis! hee! :D saw alooot of cosplay, including an akastuki kid cosplayer. he was so cuuute!in all his gear and sitting down on the floor. couldn't tell who he was acting as, cos i can't remember all the akastuki members. poor kid too, to have to sit there and let peple ogle and coo at him and not being able to move. i want to cosplay too! haha. as L from death note, as rukia, as rin/len or miku/dark miku, as an extra or as yuki in vampire knight.. mann, so many things i want to do. haha. hopefully i can cosplay as one during this year's eoy.

saw lots of nice goodies too, but all super ex la! i want the death note chibi set~~! but its like $120 right now, since its new and they only sell the whole set, not one by one. buuu D: i added another character to my favorites, which is dark miku! dunno whats her name though..haha. will find later. anyway, there was also a cosplay of her, whch was pretty inpressive too, considering the weight of the gun that's on her hand. she's bit of a crossover between shana of the flame eyes and miku, with the blue flame eye and katana.
wish i could have gotten a sticker, but when i went back it was sold out D: oh well, hope that the artist comes back next year..and brings the goods :D
feel like working for good smile company next time. haha! they are the company that produces the chibi figurines that are more popular in the market now. hee :)

hopefully, i can find the time to post the photos i took on my sis's phone. my phone died, and the camera's in europe now D:

this is my blog, so i can do whatever i want with it. if i feel like whining, i'm going to. so there!

updates and thoughts

2009-11-15T02:41:00.000+08:00

recently, did a video recording for vma class. our storyline was about a girl who died in a car accident while on the way to school, and she goes through a series of events that makes her realise what had happened to her and find that she's dead. the (damned) teacher made us do it as a horror genre, and even got mad at us D: don't really like her..buu. anyway, i had the role of the un-dead girl, which means i was filmed alot. =_= urgh...

recently, went out with my poly friends :D hope we can go out again sometime, maybe after the assignment(s). hopefully. =_= there are so many~~(moaning) D:

got really mad at school on fri today, to the extent where i couldn't even cover it up and almost cried (cause i was mad! i swear! i tend to tear up when i get really angry...which causes a lot of confusion for people. that is, if they see it. ha. find it irritating. it ruins the angry effect.) so i got really moody and mad and super sadist sarcastic. everyone who talked to me found me scary. haha. so i'd like to say sorry OTL just a litte header, i get really mad if i sleep and someone wakes me up. usually, its when i've planned to sleep, and some irritating person wakes me up. grrr. for the class one, it's the teacher la! keep smsing poor kat to wake me up. sorry to bother you kat! OTL xD haha. and nathan and keemee ;D
i mean! just cause someone is staying still doesn't mean they are asleep! then, if we follow this logic, then are all dead people sleeping??! if this equates, then all sleeping people are dead too! what the hell la! D:[ *fumes*

right now, currently watching you're beautiful, a korean drama. they were touted as the new boys over flowers. its a little like hana kimi (nope, definetely not like the taiwan version). haha! the girl actress really looks like a boy when she's supposed to be in her guy role. the cast is as follows: Park Shin Hye(Goong S and also Etude House spokesperson in S'pore) as Go Min Nam/Go Mi Nyu; Jang Geun Seok(Hwang Jin Yi, Beethovan Virus) as Hwang Tae Kyung; Lee Hong Ki(from Kpop idol group FT Island) as Jeremy; Jung Yong Hwa as Kang Shin Woo; UEE as Yoo He Yi. because of this show, i look forward to thursdays and fridays, because they air in korea on wed and thurs. ;D

the story is about a girl(Go Min Nyu) joining a popular idol group A.N.JELL, in order to cover for her twin brother(Go Min Nam, who is also acted by Park Shin Hye) when he couldn't come back in time, and her journey in being a guy in a top idol group. this shows a lot of issues, like plastic surgery, gayness, fake characters and backstage (backstabbing) happenings in the ever shining idol stage.
go watch! XD after watching, slowly i began to like tae kyung sshi :D even tho i didn't like him in the beginning. haha! i still like shin woo sshi though! XD right now, i'm listening to their songs, which are quite good, for a 'fake' idol group. haha! they actually got people who can sing for the cast, so as to ensure their singing ability and credibility. apparently, their released album got a higher response than what the producers expected, as they were not a real idol group. even the girl can sing! cause she's mainly an actress instead of a singer. and i like jang geun seok's voice! haha! :D i want my *future* boyfriend's voice to be like his! haha! its a plus if he can sing like him too :P ahahahaha! xD
but looking back, i only like the songs he sang in ANJELL and one other song. hmm...but no matter, his voice is nice :D jung yong hwa also not bad :D he's soo nice! if all guys were like him..haha. NOT gonna happen any time soon. haha.

also cut my hair, so it looks like a guy. hyahyah. serious. but the bad thing is it always poufs. like, ya know, boomzs. (sound familiar? xD) sigh...i hope it flattens out soon. i found a way to make my hair look nicer, and it looks like one of those korean idol hairstyle, with all that fringe. all i have to do, is pull more hair from the back to front and create a different hairline. unfortunately, it doesn't stay. haha.
i sound a bit...hao lian? :P sorry if i appear that way.

still working on my portfolio, bds product design project + maya, vma project, itp considerations. omgggaaaaawdd. TT_TT

so dead...

2009-11-09T01:02:00.000+08:00

because my mom is going overseas with my brother for 10 days, i (mostl likely) will have to take care of the house... =_=
this reminds me of back then in sec 2, when she brought my bro to beijing for 2 months. i admit, 10 days is not as bad as 2 months, but back then i didn't have school. school was still open for the last week when they left, so i took care of everything. the cooking, washing, mopping, etc. TT_TT my mom even made me take lessons on cooking (but it was really just making me stand there while she cooked, and brought me to the market to tell me to buy stuff from which stores. frankly, i forgot the stalls, and i half remember how to cook the stuff she made me watch, and i do know how to load the washing machine, thank gawd.)
that's not the worst part. its my deadline. she's gone on the 19th and back on the 28th. my submissions' on the 25th. :| save meeeee~~!! Dx this means i have to take care of the chores while tackling my work and school.

what i planned is to finish more stuff before she leaves, so i have time to juggle everything. looking back at my performance, i hope it works...

also, i think my teachers are a bit funny... what if the company that we want for ITP wants the intern like, on dec or jan, and we say 'oh, we want to work in your company', and they reply 'okay', and then the downer for them is when we say ' we can only start work in march' . o_o won't they reject us? i mean, come on! who'd wait for an intern for like 5 months when they can get people who can work for them right away? =_=

i hope i don't appear too whiney or exaggerating...its just that i'm really freaked out. it might not be such a big deal... but what if it IS? TT_TT

Lost in Outer Space-uuu +black nails :D

2009-11-06T02:46:00.000+08:00

super lost. i sometimes wish i hadn't gone into this course, and gone to some normal boring course and continue my fantasies about the designing world. i haven't drawn since, like about 2 years coutning from now... stopped around the o levels, and then .... yep. so if i want to gain back my skill, i'll need looads of practice.

i think i've said this before, that i've lost the passion. to a certain extent, but i still can appreciate all the stuff. i sometimes get that feeling, but once i draw it out, the drawings don't look right, and the feeling just goes away again. can't really bring myself to draw, or even do my own works for that matter.

today was filming day for VMA. ARGHHH!!! stupid WB!! and CY!! they drew out the whole storyboard. and they NEVER COME!! WTH FREAK!! damn idiotic la! even if you do have a problem, can't you explain it to us? we're not teachers, we're your classmates. your age. our mind works almost like yours. (bleh, teenagers) so tell me, huh, why can't you tell us? are we that unapproachable? we're GIRLS for goodness sake! we don't have the strength to beat you up!
since there's alot of loopholes, i try to fill them in. what happen was, on tuesday we filmed, but the files ended up being corrupted. so no film, so we wasted our time, essentially. so we re-filmed the WHOLE FREAKING film. urgh. and the best part? the 2 main camera man and storyboarder wasn't there. good right? and i wore my tues clothes again for nothing. D: PLUS i got them stained with the red food dye. my forearms, hands, neck all kenna the red dye too. the best part about the dye was that it really looked like blood. the idiotic part was that it couldn't be washed off. i mean, it could, but the skin was stained pinkish. hot pink, in fact. +_+

but not all bad happened today. we got to work closer and know our seniors better. something we haven't, er, really done before. really, today i felt that the seniors were our saviors. cause if they weren't there, we would be probably very lost and not know what to do and how to film.

after today's incident, i recomfirmed the fact that i am more of a follower than a leader. not a blind follower, i still know what i want and have a brain, thank you very much. i do have opinions. i might be a little tooo opiniated on some stuff though... haha. does that still count as decision making? i HATE,i LOATHE making decisions. i try not to step into that territory as much as possible. just give me the work and your vision, and i'll try to make it come true. that's it. today, i think i might have gone overboard on the directing of the filming. OTL;;; i'm very sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings today, or might have appeared pushy. OTL IIIOTL i was so flustered and demanding... i feel bad for people working with me when i'm in that sort of situation or mood... so, sorry in advance :D

today's pickings...

2009-11-01T01:28:00.000+08:00

heard that jeslin and me won the photo competition, with chessa. wasn't expecting it at all, cause my photography skills isn't good, especially with people-related. i'm better with plants and the non-living stuffs. another part of not expecting was cause i saw most of the photos that were submitted, and some of them were real nice. i predicted that chessa's would win [yesss! luck-ie~ xD], and thought that some other people would win too. so i was totally stun when i was told i won. ehehe.

today i went out to do some research, as well as pick-up some stuff i've been planning to get. got some i didn't expect to get, like the magazine. guess i kinda got lucky with that mag since its an oct issue and usually by now most stores don't have them, though i'm not quite sure if i should have bought it...hmmm >(
went to ion orchard get the min-ho folder (kyaaa! min ho sshi! XD) ehe. then went to artbox to have a look see and get the stuff i wanted. went around with li juan, and had quite some fun :D oh yeah! artbox stuff in s'pore is really expensive!! for the lined notebooks, it's like $2 more than when it is sold in korea!! and the some other plain notebooks and other notebooks, the range of exta cost was from like $5 all the way till $10! there was this really nice bag, suitcase style, that cost 69.90 bucks! we tried to see the tag, and not sure if i saw correctly, it said 9000 won. on average, 800won=S$1. therefore, it's supposed to be about S$12++. so the extra cost is about 50 dollars!!! my gawd.. the saddest part of all this, was while i was in seoul and at the art-box shop, i didn't see it!!! they didn't sell it in the shop...i think? sigh. what a waste.. another thing on my list to buy IF i ever go back to korea. :P

research wise, i got lucky. we went to meidi-ya later at liang court [which btw, i missed the bustop and we got off at the next one. sorry! ><" still as lousy as ever in my direction sense...]. saw the bowl i wanted! but still worried about the 'me-2' thing. if i want to do i guess i could, but not much originality. but its gonna be difficult to look for the stuff i want. TT_TT at ion, saw the bowl also at muji. but it was porcelain, and the size was okay. but the thing is, its really expensive... wondering if i'll have to buy it. i mean, it's not like the teacher's are going to say 'oh don't buy it'. if they could make us spend over a hundred bucks for the damned coffeetable book, i don't see why the packaging project should cost lesser.

some random stuff i thought about the last few days...

milk is made from cow's blood. not sure if that is true, but still... not as in made-manufacture, as in made-in-the-body kind of made. very disturbing fact [trust me, it was for me too] for all the milk drinkers out there.
cows have 4 stomachs, if i remember correctly. there are specific names for the stomachs, but i'm lazy to go find it again. haha

the last thought before i started this post was how drastic my life has changed. i re-ran my conversations with li juan today, and i find that designing for me has gone from the 'push' stage to the 'shove' stage. is it wrong? when stuff goes from push to shove, should i continue? i haven't done any new pieces of work, my progress on my packaging project hasn't really moved, haven't continued to finish the maya report. i haven't progressed an inch at all. wonder if i'll even get past year 2, seeing as how lousy my works and photographs are...sigh.

i'm now using chrome, which seems to take a really long time to load. or was it my bad luck that i tried to enter when it was undergoing upgrading? hmm...

the day before tommorow

2009-10-19T01:01:00.000+08:00

for those who have watched that show, you'll know what i'm talking about *wink*
school is officially starting tommorow, and i know that many people in s'pore will be typing about today and their regrets and all that mopey stuff. as a typical singaporean, i shall do the same. *for a moment, i typed 'sian-aporean' hahaha! really describes us tho..:P*
hope i can do the following when the term starts:
- do my daily regime in the morning
- reach my classes on time
- don't be rushed when it comes to assignments
- keep promises when i make them
- be more...sure? of myself
- inspire myself more, challenge and step out of comfort zone
though knowing that most of them won't be done, i'm still gonna try as much as i can.

its kinda late, so i'm gonna off. nights :]

back from seoul for a week + updates

2009-10-17T01:48:00.000+08:00

as the title states, this post will be about what i have done (and didn't post :P) haha. the posts will most likely be from the most recent to the least recent. at least, as far back as i can remember.
went to paint the flat at blk 13 again, for my a-ma and a-gong. couldn't paint the extra room still, cause hdb is scheduled to fix it next week. went to school and meet alot of people to pass the souveniers and kimchee :D
this week, btw, as everyone knows, is the last week of hols. it seems so long, yet so short :( as always, i have work i haven't finished, which should have been finished. which means i will have to finish it during the 1st week. and also, what's with the system?? blocking us from taking our gems this sem...i rather we have gems this sem than next sem. at least that way we have more time for our final year project. D:
went to seoul last week, but still haven't uploaded the photos, if that's what's so puzzling. because, so many people put up theirs already, i feel mine is...inadequate? my skill is like, super poor, and even my teacher said so. she said i was better off taking non-people than people, which i do agree cause i don't really like to step out and be outgoing and say 'hey! can i take your picture??'. half the time when i take photos of people, i give off the feel that i'm doing something wrong or guilty and being sneaky. ha. somemore, seoul is FULL of people to take. oh well...
seoul was fun, mostly. because we were on a schedule, we didn't have as much time as we liked to walk where we wanted to explore and shop and all that. one of the things i regret was the t-express at Everland (everyday at everland is a holiday! -tagline :D) and the seoul design olympiad. the t-express, cause i didn't get to sit it another time D: haha! it was close to 90 degrees going up and then down. it was totally stomach dropping!! like when you have a plane turbulance and the plane goes up and down and your stomach follows. yep, that kind of feeling. it was GREAT! hahaha! xD sooo thrilling! i haven't sat on a roller roller-coaster since back in KL where i went with my family to that one in the building (offhand, i can't remember the name). about the Seoul Design Olympiad, what i regretted was not going to the outside to see the stuff. because we didn't have enough time to go buy the shirts during the 1st day, we had to use the small time on the 2nd day to queue for it, and it took up all the time. so well, we didn't get to see. but it was really still fun! and the scenery was really good, also the feng shui. they had hills and mountains in the city itself!!! and of course the seas and lakes in front. real cool, cause you don't get to see this alot in most populated areas. went to cheil, an ad agency. the people were pretty nice, but they gave me really disturbing thoughts and made me kinda depressed.. : cause they said that talent is something that matters, and if you dont' have it, its not likely that you'll be able to survive in the industy. i think i can take the critisism okay, but its that talent but that's getting to me...and also the stuff they said about having passion and knowing that what you want and whether you want to stay in the design and/or ad buisness.
shopping wise, they had what i called their 'orchard road' and 'bugis street' - all within buildings! they were next to each other too, in dong dae mun. i went to the one that resembled bugis street, and got really nice and cheap shirts (which most i can't wear till new year D:) and a pair of shoes. one place to visit again if i go back to seoul :) oh yeah, also the honggil arts village and the university flea market and myongdong and provenece. their wares are super cute! one thing that struck me was that seoul, wherever i went, was kinda..grey? it was more of the buildings and the sidewalks and the sky that reminded me so. cause back then when i was in beijing, the sky was beautiful in autmn, and the grey sidewalks and roads and buildings, and the smoggy air, all this reminded very strongly of of the beijing i stayed in. maybe its just the populated areas that are supposed to feel like this, and s'pore is just the exception. haha! the hotels we stayed in were really nice, and on the last day we stayed at a 5 star hotel! xD they even had bathrobes for us! ahaha! that night, we went out to take photos, cause we thot we hadn't took enough during the day. and it was quite fun :) hope i can go back seoul one day...and to everland, artbox, the nice cupcake shop-and-lady, and the faceshop! haha
ya know, half the time during the whole trip, i was worrying about what to get people. worried day and night, to tell you the truth. even though they told me it's the thought that counts, i still was unsure whether i bought the right stuff back and would they like it... i mean, its no point getting people gifts they don't like. on hindsight, i should have gotten more notebooks from artbox and decorative bags for them... the dolls were nice, but not everyone likes dolls. D: really hope they liked the gifts...

argh..and i still have hmk to do...and was slacking the whole day away. which means i have to more productive and go around less on the websites...hwa-iting! aja!

list of work:
- maya photoshopping in textures and making it back in maya
- e-journal and reflections (5 days worth and 2 nights)
- photo editing and choosing from seoul trip (urgh..there's close to 1000 photos i think..)
- 3 pieces of work for portfolio
- dt blog (am really sorry to my poor teacher..>_<)

random thoughts....:
seem to have a hungry mouth...more like i want to have something to chew on, and not being hungry at all..nyamnyamnyam...
can't stand PDA couples. at least in korea, they at most wear couple tees and hold hands.(or maybe its just me who hasn't seen enough :P) i really hate them. if i ever have a bf (which is unlikely, so i can safely say), i will never ever, do PDA to the extent to vomiting. blehhhh~
want to watch dramas, but know that i shouldn't...eottoke~~?? D:

Recount

2009-10-03T03:28:00.001+08:00

yesyes, i know, i didn't update everyday. its been like, about 12 days since i last wrote, but heck.
been working, reading (yes! something i haven't done in a loong time), and going to school (though this doesn't count as much since i've only gone twice :P). so as much as i can. i'll recount as much as i can for the past 12 days.

went out with goood friends :) with mus and shine, and with the guides as a group, and just hy and pl. too bad that lf couldn't make it tho..sigh. we had lots of fun, for all the outings. wish i could go for more, but i can't. i really treasure my friends, because i know how hard (firsthand) to come by people like them. so i think i'm 'keeping' them as long as i can :) we took neo-prints!! haha! brief neo-print craze, because of the memory-wanting. neo-prints are so fun! wanted to take one with our group, but plaza sing doesn't have the machines, as well as not all of us were there :( hope i can take one with my class soon, to commemorate my survival in poly year 2. ha. the last one i took with hy and pl was so damn funny! we tonked in the coins, and i accidentally hit the smooth white skin extreme side button, which meant that we would be eeextremly, erm, paler skinned than we really are. then the picking of the frames came, then everything was so rushed! we rushed for places and were totally frantic about the poses! we were like, ' ei! do what pose?! what sort of face?!' haahahaha! xD the skin came out really nice, we were all 'wow our skin looks damn good sia.' embarrassingly, cause we were rushing to do poses and i did a kneeling one, which made me turn out damn girly. =_= haha. pl and my eyes were like super big, we were having a 'wow! ei! our eyes so big eh! we look so different la!' haha! wish i really looked the way i looked in the neo-prints. i was glad when i knew that pl and hy had fun, and laughed more than they had. hope to be able to bring that sort of energy for my friends. with mus and shine, also very funny, but in a different way.i observed our prints (pronounced 'preents' xD ahhaha!), and found that i was the only one with a different expression. mus and shine had the almost exact same expression everytime! ahaha! so funny!
during neo-print taking, i always make sure to add the date in at least one of the photos, to commemorate and remember when i took it. hee.
due to *ahem* restrictions, i am unable to put up here, so you'll just have to ask me when you see me. HA!

work, as usual, was tiring, but was bearable because of the company i had with me. would have worked more, but really had no time. had to earn more money for the trip, so that i could buy some stuff back for people, as well as myself. hee! :D

the day after the quake, my mom and brother and me went to blk 13 to clean up and repaint the flat for my grandparents to move in. while my bro and i were working in the storeroom outback, the floor started making popping noises. at first we thought it was the neighbours below protesting against us being noisy by retaliating and throwing stuff onto the ceiling to annoy us. so we ignored it and continued to paint the walls and it stopped. when we started painting the ceiling (ours, not theirs), the popping started again, and it came back with a vengence. the floor cracked. really, it cracked. the tiles pushed up against each other, creating a rise in the floor in one part and a sunk-in part in another section. we think its because of the quake, that shook the building and eventually cracked up the floor. oh well, hopefully the hdb can solve this. alot of the nieghbours think that the flats around our area will be en bloc-ed, hdb won't care. the neighbour downstairs suggested some other group (at this point of time, i can't remember which organization she said, but its definetly governmental), but my mom insisted she would call the hdb first and see what they would do. if they didn't do anything (likely), we would need to get in a contracter to repair the floor. and this means my grandma will stay with us longer. i really don't know wherether to cheer or cry.

today i went to help my grandma transfer her old ez-link to the new cepas card. i thought about alot of things, and it made me almost cry in the mrt. i regret not learning hokkien and tochew. if i did, i would be able to talk to my grandparents more. today, it was the first time i touched my grandma so much and out of my own doing. (really want to thank the people who gave up their seats for my grandma. bless you! :D) partially because of the train and i was scared she'd fall or something. i felt really damn guilty when i walked to fast, and i did it twice. all because i was too caught up in my thoughts. after that, it seemed like she started to walk alot faster, and i wonder if it's just my imagination or she really did it. still, i feel guilty. for not being a better grandkid to her. i hope i can do more, but i don't know how.
on the train, i found it amusing. when i was calling for my grandma to go sit, once in the NS line and the other in the EW line, alot of people's head swiveled to look at the commotion. like it was a new drama. perhaps if they brought something to do, they wouldn't be so bored, to the extent to having to watch this. gosh..so irritating.

ok, that's it for now. i'll talk more later. hopefully. HAHAHAHA

Birth

2009-09-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

it's officially my birthday? not really on the dot, cause i was born in the evening :D such details...i fuss over details alot sometimes..

here, i'd like to thank the friends who have made my life brighter :D and my family, who have been around since i was born. and my teachers who have taught me. words cannot fully express my feelings :] (even though in lit, it's supposed to be able to do so...guess i'm not fluent enough then..haha.)
i'm not really the mushy kind, so i'll just leave it at that. i get goosebumps when people go all mushymushy on me. i mean, there is a time of this kind of thing, but i'm not usually in it. haha.
actually, my birthday was celebrated, last week sunday. my parents got a tiramisu cake, which my mom proclaimed it to be the most expensive cake she has ever bought. ....it was either dad or mom who said that, can't really remember. oh well. so i'm not really expecting a present this year.

wishes for my birthday:
- hope there will be a better future for the earth, world peace, and happiness and more for the kids who do not have what i have
- draw more often.
- be more dicisplined.
- to be able to design better, and score better. hand in on time. =_= win an award of sorts?
- learn more stuff, be a little more specialised and professional? be resognised?
half the stuff here won't come true, so haaa~....if not, why are they called hopes and wishes?

so that's about it for the birthday posts i guess..there will be continuation, with, hopefully, some photos. if i can figure out how to post photos in blogger.com. haha
btw, thank you to all those who have wished me :D again. haha!

First Post

2009-09-17T01:49:00.000+08:00

this is sort of an intro. to this blog, and myself, i guess.

i'd like to state here that this will be sort of an journal for me, but i'm not a veeery consistant updater, but i will try to keep updating constantly. it will more like 'thought-of-the-day' or what i'm feeling on that day, or perhaps some reflections i realised.

SO i'd really like to say that any blasphemy, insult, or comments that i make MAY have been in the heat of things, or while i'm super passionate and not reeeeally thinking straight...so yeah, don't blame me too much. basically, i want this to be a record of what i feel when i was 18. so yeah... (hey, seems like MLP classes helped! haha! :D)

soo, a little intro:

i'm starting this blog/diary 2 days before my birthday. :D haha. i'm about 1.6m [so wishing i was taller], and the last i weighed was 37.5kg i think. i'm pretty ugly (oxymoron? +_+), i admit. i detest myself. but i can't stand people staring at me like i'm a road attraction. i think i'm full of contradictions and am very indicisive. i can want something, but don't want it at the same time. it's confusing, i know, but hey, i like to be confusing. :D

the course i'm taking right now is the Dip. in Creative Media Design in Singapore Polytechnic, which by the way, i think, does NOT need to be changed. the alma maters for me is Keng Seng Pri [pulled into Gan Eng Seng later], Beigjing International School of Singapore, Queenstown Primary, and Queenstown Sec. Innova JC, not very sure whether to add, cause i've only stayed there for about 2-3 months.

some things i treasure most are family, friends/friendships, books, and drawing. some things i really 'rather-not-get-that-close-to' are condesending people, people whoe waste talent, big beady eyed insects and parsley. *shudder*

things i'm interested in are photography, beading, reading, drawing, crafting, and maybe sewing. i'm not stating that these are my strengths, cause at this point in time, i don't really believe that i have any. i say that they are interests, not strengths. i am a firm believer that hard work is most important, but right now, i don't know if that hard work can win talent or not. i'll say it out straight - i believe i do NOT have talent. try as i might, i don't have it. yes, i am a perfectionist, but talent is something i do not have. i envy those who have one, but really detest people who waste it. (then i'll go 'but its their life, who are YOU trying to judge people??'hat

that's it for my first post, i think...i'll add more stuff when i feel like it, or when i remember it. i swear, my RAM is totally getting smaller by the day...

PS. i'm blunt. like really blunt at times. so when i say something that wasn't 'in-the-moment', i mean it.